The Mirror Recognition Test
You Don’t Need to Love Yourself
All right, I’ll admit my title is a ruse. But I do tire of blog posts telling us to love ourselves. Why? Because we don’t need to be told to love ourselves — self-love is in our very nature. But loving ourselves doesn’t mean we’re happy with ourselves. In fact, self-love can live side by side with deep disappointment, and even self-loathing. What most of us struggle with is learning to like ourselves.
And in that sense, people who attempt suicide love themselves too much, or rather with an unhealthy form of love, and are profoundly crushed when they fail at fulfilling their hopes. They can like and accept others, despite their failings, but not themselves.
Self-Like is a Hard-Shelled Nut
It doesn’t crack for shallow slogans like “You’re the greatest!” (Psyche: “Oh, shut up, I’ve accomplished nothing today!”) Why? Because we’re born with an inner compass that relentlessly points true north, refusing to let us settle for cotton candy imitations.
I have a dear friend, Michelle, who grew up during the peak of the self-esteem movement. Her mother told her non-stop how “special” she was, praising even her most insignificant accomplishments. By the time she’d reached young adulthood, Michelle was hopelessly jaded. She was convinced that, 1) nothing she accomplished mattered because “special” had no real meaning, and, 2) she was incapable of actually accomplishing anything of real value. I have never met another person who disliked themselves as deeply as she does.
The Self-Esteem Movement…
…started to crumble in the 1990s because it focused almost exclusively on self-talk. Meanwhile, more and more clinical studies showed that only measurable accomplishments have the ability to produce authentic self-esteem. Yet the false premise—say it often enough and you’ll believe it—is still with us today.
I struggled with serious anxiety as a young adult. Each night I would lie awake, terrified at the prospect of being alone with the one person I least trusted: myself. I loved myself (obsessively, really), but I didn’t like myself.
In the book of Genesis, God tells Cain, after the rage-filled young man has killed his brother, “If you do not do what is right, sin crouches at your door. Its desire is for you—but you must master it.” And then God does something remarkable: he places a mark on Cain’s forehead, not a mark of guilt (as some mistakenly believe), but a mark of protection. It’s God’s way of saying, “There’s a long journey ahead, but I am with you.”
Yes…
…the sweet nut of self-liking is hard to crack. But it’s worth the effort. And, perhaps surprisingly, unlike navel-gazing “love yourself” affirmations, the key to self-liking is others. No accomplishment brings such inner peace as service. The number one weapon against depression is service. Which is one of the reasons Jesus commanded us to love others “as yourself.” He knew we already loved ourselves. The key was to turn that love outward. To accomplish something worthy, something that might even cause us to…
Like ourselves!
People who commit suicide also feel like a huge burden to those they love. For me it was about being a burden while I struggled with feeling rejected and unloved.
Sorry to hear you went through that. My brother, ex-boyfriend, neighbors and other people I know have committed suicide and I don’t think they love themselves too much I don’t think they love themselves enough.
See my reply to Mitch’s excellent blog below. The pop psychologist is wrong or the Bible is wrong, and I suspect the psychologists are missing something that Mitch succinctly describes. Grace and peace to you.
Self-like is a concept we haven’t really explored because if self-love can exist, why settle for less? That is the mentality we have as human beings. Always strive for the best, whether or not the best is attainable… Unfortunately, that only results in one being disappointed by not reaching perfection. Like they say, “Perfect is the enemy of Done”. Also, I hope you are doing better mentally after having struggled with anxiety.
BBB
I am, my friend, and thank you. 🧡 That was many years ago.
I beg to differ with you Mitch, my brother in Christ but you’re contradicting what Jesus said when He was asked about which commandment was the most important one of all the commandments, and as you know… Jesus replied, “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as YOURSELF .’There is no commandment greater than these.” (MATTHEW 22: 29-31)!
Are you saying Jesus was wrong?
Hi Lupe. I’m not clear why my quoting Jesus’ command to love others as ourselves makes you think I’m saying he’s wrong. Jesus’ words are, in fact, profoundly true. It seems you may have misunderstood my point.
Then why would you tell people they don’t need to love themselves
Any servant of God would not say something like that in a world of hurting people who have lost—they don’t need to love themselves!
I think Mitch’s point is that everyone DOES love him/her self. Nothing we say can change that because of the Ephesians verse in my comment below. See my blog for how the suicidal (like I was) really love themselves too much, more than we should.
❤️&🙏, c.a.🤠
I tried to commit suicide twice. The first time I wanted to see Jesus. The second time it was because of painful bone on bone arthritis. What was your reason?
See my blog above for as much as I will comment on a public forum regarding that. It is important to remember that killing oneself if murder. Don’t EVER do that.
See https://capost2k.wpcomstaging.com/2016/02/15/to-be-or-not-to-be-addendum/ for more on this. I will keep you in my prayers this next week. ❤️&🙏, c.a.
I looked at your blog and you don’t go into detail about why?
You hit the proverbial nail on its head, Mitch. As one who overcame suicidal thoughts, thanx to a couple of kind police officers and a good counselor, I got much needed help.
But loving oneself is never the problem with the suicidal or else the Bible is wrong! Ephesians 5:29 says. “No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it.” Either scripture is wrong or the pop psychologist is wrong and I trust the Bible more than current fads.
In this blog, https://capost2k.wpcomstaging.com/2016/02/07/to-be-or-not-to-be-that-is-not-the-real-question/, I go in deeper to explain the difference you so succinctly described as the difference between self-love and self-like.
❤️&🙏, c.a.
Amen, C.A.❣ We had parallel experiences re. suicidal thoughts. And that’s a great reference verse, btw.
What was your reason for wanting to kill yourself? Money? Drugs? Alcohol? Mental illness?
Oh…the lack of liking. The deep, personal disdain we can hold toward ourselves. I hear you…look to others in service and with love and the liking will follow. xo! 💝
🧡
Yes, and so-called “others” are oneself… not really something separate.
Mitch, this is really well done.
You take a topic that gets tossed around in a thousand shallow ways — “love yourself!” — and you actually bring it back to something real, something biblical, something that has weight. That’s not easy to do, and you do it with clarity, honesty, and a pastor’s instinct.
What I appreciate most is how you name the difference between self‑love and self‑like. That’s a Kingdom insight. You’re reminding people that the problem isn’t that we don’t love ourselves — Scripture already settled that — it’s that we don’t trust ourselves, don’t respect ourselves, don’t see ourselves truthfully. And instead of pushing people inward with more slogans, you point them outward toward service, toward others, toward the very thing Jesus commanded.
That’s the part that shines.
You’re showing that the path to real peace isn’t more self‑talk — it’s aligning with the King’s way of life. Loving others as ourselves isn’t a call to inflate our ego; it’s a call to pour out the love we already have in a way that heals, steadies, and transforms.
So truly — well done, brother.
Your writing helps people breathe. It helps them see themselves honestly without despair. And it gently nudges them back toward the kind of life Jesus actually blesses.
Keep going. The Kingdom is visible in this.
This really makes me think a lot. Yes, the constant praising of others can become meaningless. When my grandson was little, everyone praised every single thing he did. “Good Boy” was constant. We were shopping one day and he was sitting in the cart. I handed him things to put on the belt and every thing he put down, he said, “Good Boy Graham”. He is a teenage now, and is quite a good kid, but negative about how others perceive him, very strange. I know I am very lucky as I have never has suicidal thoughts, but I know others who are no longer with us and it’s tough. Yes, I always feel good after providing service to others. Great post, Mitch.
Do you think the prophet Elijah loved himself too much?