My Real Memoir
I’d awakened, badly hungover, at three in the morning, and begun thinking, “What if I go insane?” In the past, the notion would have been fleeting. But not this time. The more I thought about it, the more I feared it would happen. A radioactive fog enfolded me. I broke out in a cold sweat, drenching my sheets. I desperately needed something to distract me, to drag my thoughts away from the encroaching madness.
Two-and-a-half hours later, I stood outside the Snack Shop half a block away, trying to look “normal,” as Hazel unlocked the door. Once inside, I sat down and ordered my usual. I buried my face in a paperback; my eyes skimmed over the words like pebbles over water. The food had no taste; it was as if I were only pantomiming eating. Could others see my fear? Did it hang over me like a heat mirage? I made a feeble effort at humor. My server smiled. Good, I thought. I must not be completely crazy yet.
From that moment on, maintain control at all times became my mantra. No one must know who I was really was. I managed to keep my secret madness hidden during the days. But at night, I’d shiver and wilt, with nothing to distract me from the ever-present anxiety. I’d finally fall asleep after a couple of hours, but immediately remember “it” when I awoke.
Not going insane was exhausting. Sometimes I’d think, I should just let it happen. But, no, that would be insane! I had a constant fear of being compelled to do something unthinkable: From screaming incoherently in a crowded place, to suddenly veering into oncoming traffic. I’m OK with dying, I’d think, but what about all those other people? My thoughts were not to be trusted – my mind was my enemy.
Fight or flight syndrome. I’d heard the phrase, but hadn’t realized it could happen entirely inside a person’s head. I mean, there was nothing to fight with, nothing to flee from. There was only me. And I couldn’t run away from myself, could I? God, I thought a thousand times a day, if only I could!
Three nights later, as I climbed into bed, the now-familiar panic returned. And then it struck me: What if it’s this windowless cinderblock room that triggered it? I grabbed my pillow and two blankets, and left the building. Hoping no one would see me, I placed them on a downslope away from the highway, in the empty lot next door.
The sky seemed more beautiful than ever before. I lay there, watching the stars squint between the clouds, and the timid fingernail of a moon appear, then hide, then reappear. The crisp, cool air and evolving masterpiece over my head made it seem as though “it” had never happened. I felt at peace for the first time in days. Was there a God, after all? I wondered. Was this how God answered?
The next morning, I found a five-dollar bill next to my pillow, with a note: “Hope this helps.” I sighed, “Well, I guess I won’t be doing this again.” And then the persistent unease returned. Still, I knew now that, even amid the storm, peace was possible.
But would I ever find it again?
My Real Memoir is a series. To read the next one, click here.
My life shouldn’t be about waiting for the storm to pass. It may be a long storm after all. It may even be with me to the grave. It’s learning to find enjoyment during the storm. Doing what gives you joy that you can still do. Enjoying a cup of conversation with that someone you don’t want the conversation to end. Going on a walk taking in the scenery. Simple things.
Very true, Sashie.
Lot of healful for mindfulness
hello cora are you redoing the counting on same pen & same page from 0 to 100
Why are you here every day
i am waiting for cora to reply & i like mitch since he was on colby’s clubhouse
Stalk much ?
no i know cora
Probably better to contact Cora more directly then through Mitch’s blog, don’t ya think ?
she doesn’t reply
Yeah exactly..asking the same question daily on someone elses blog could be deemed innocent but probably is taken in another light from Cora, being that they won’t respond by other means.
cora didn’t do well on handwriting when she is suppose to
This is perfectly troubling , what a powerful read.
Thank you, my Anonymous friend.
Deep
What a raw, breathtaking glimpse into the heart of silent suffering. Your words pulse with the ache of vulnerability—those midnight battles we so often fight alone. The image of you under the open sky, clutching a pillow like a lifeline, struck a deep chord. That fleeting peace, like starlight piercing fog, felt like grace in its purest form. And the five-dollar bill—so small, yet profoundly human—was a quiet reminder that even in our darkest hours, kindness still finds us. Thank you for sharing this journey with such honesty. It’s a whisper to all of us: you’re not alone in the storm.
Thank you, Devendr, and amen.
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Peace is there amid the storm. God is the only peace that a person will have when their life is turned upside down. May His peace hunt you down, find you and calm your storms.
This is an outstanding response to this post. Thank you for sharing such a powerful comment! 🙂
As you know Mitch, God was working on you then. God in His wisdom knows what it takes to bring those that He’s calling to Himself. As for you and so many others, they’ve built walls and barriers to prevent accepting the reality of God and of Jesus Christ. A secure and safe compound if you will of what reality is. Until the Holy Spirit comes and breaks down walls and barriers and invades one’s compound of security. When your comfortable “reality” is turned upside down, crumbles, and dissolves, and you can’t do anything about it. Of course, a person’s natural reaction is to fight it and try to maintain the bulwark of their fort of “reality” that’s come under siege. It may seem that in the heat of the attack that you’re going insane. Some people may be able to repel the assaults and maintain their status quo, to their detriment. But those who surrender and accept the real reality of God and Jesus Christ are the ones who are truly victorious. For them, they haven’t lost, nor have they lost their sanity. Rather they’ve won and achieved transcendental sanity.
can you pray for cora from catsartpics antique works
May the Lord’s will be done concerning Cora from catsartpics antique works
yes she needs to redo the counting with same pen & same page
*[…]E eu me esqueci, por um tempo[…]*
https://gustavohorta.wordpress.com/2025/05/27/hoje-como-sempre-%f0%9f%98%b5%f0%9f%92%ab/
Very, very significant read. I have been through some incredibly tough storms but I learned to come back stronger. Life can be tough but still beautiful.
Very true, Michael.
A powerful description of what we 12-Steppers call “The Gift of Desperation”—GOD for short.
A very apt term, Rick.
Thank you for this very candid and compelling read, Mitch. I look forward to reading all of your posts!
Thank you so much, Terry.
A “windowless cinderblock room”? Geez, talk about reinforcing awful feelings. Despite the five, the evening on the slope sounds beautiful and a relief for peace. Great idea on your part, Mitch!
It felt more like desperation at the time, Christopher. But, yes, it brought some much-needed relief.
Thankfully sir, the storm didn’t overwhelm and overcome you. Thank God you prevailed, actually the Lord prevailed. Through the storm you became a follower of Jesus Christ. Which was God’s purpose for the storm. May you continue in His grace, continue to grow in faith and His grace, and may you continue to lead others to Jesus Christ. For His glory, the maker of the storm.
https://skitguys.com/authors/mitch-teemley
Thank you, BJ, and likewise, my friend.
Thank you sir… Shalom 🕊
It’s disturbing to read this harrowing experience, but at least I know it has a happy ending. God bless.
Thank you, my friend.
So, enjoy your story telling!
I’m delighted to hear that, Jamey.
“Radioactive fog.”
Quite lovely.
Thank you, Isabella.
Wrenchingly real and relatable! Bleak black nights………wrestling with delusions……..facing shadows….clinging to a small shred of hope…….grace comes like butterflies…….
<3
With each of these latest episodes tracing your way from deepening despair to God, I’m thankful to know up front that God was at the end of your rope, ready to catch you the minute you allowed him to rescue you!
<3
https://youtu.be/H-ggZd-SmSs
Thanks, BJ.
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