Photo courtesy of Leicester Mercury
My Real Memoir
My Super-Secret Operation! I asked my wife whether I should publicly share this confidential nugget from my childhood. Being pseudo-famous, I always find it wise to ask my very private wife when to share such paparazzi-fodder. Her reply? “Be delicate.”
At Age Six…
…I had a “hernia” operation. Only it wasn’t really for a hernia. It was my first operation, apart from that rather messy little womb-extraction at age -1. So I was kinda nervous, but mostly excited. Because after they fixed my hernia, the doctor said I could have all the jello I wanted!
There were super-bright lights, and then they put a mask on my face, and then…
I woke up in a big bed with all kinds of neato buttons and handles, just like Captain Nemo’s submarine in my favorite movie and at Disneyland!
Nurse Sandy and Dr. Doctor visited me a lot. I was pretty sure Nurse Sandy loved me because she looked at me with big Bambi’s mom-eyes. Hospital-land was kinda like heaven. I got jello in every flavor–red, green, yellow–read kid’s books with Nurse Sandy, and walked around peeping into other people’s rooms. Only when I walked, it kinda hurt down there–where I’d had my hernia operation.
But mostly I felt super-happy. Especially when they hooked me back up to the big bag. They even set off fireworks to celebrate my going home! Well, that and the fact that it was the 4th of July. Nurse Sandy watched with me, and then tucked me in for the last time.
The Hernia Operation Was Sorta Goofy
It left a big scar down there and, this is the goofy part, a rubber band went right through one of my little hangy parts. They told me to be super-careful not to break the rubber band. But a week later…I did.
Mommandad were upset because they thought I was gonna have to have another hernia operation. But Dr. Doctor said, “No, he’ll be OK.” And I pretty much was. But…
Years Later, After I Got Married
Mom told me my “hernia operation” had actually been an orchioplexy, an operation that boys have when one of their, ahem, ball-bearings doesn’t “descend” into their hangy parts. It can lower their chance of having kids. But not me.
I had two super-duper ones!
And then I had a different kind of “hernia operation” on purpose. But this time there was no jello and no rubber band…
Just no more kids.
OMG! You are a bag full of surprises!!
😳😂
So funny! Love it, Mitch!
Jello!?? What kind of a poverty stricken hospital were you in!!?? We got ice-cream whenever we were in hospitals in K.C.! Maybe it was a California thing? So sad.😟
c.a.
Not a thing is out of place. LOL. See what I did there?
“Mom told me my “hernia operation” had actually been an orchioplexy, an operation that boys have when one of their, ahem, ball-bearings doesn’t “descend” into their hangy parts. It can lower their chance of having kids. But not me.
I had two super-duper ones!
And then I had a different kind of “hernia operation” on purpose. But this time there was no jello and no rubber band…
Just no more kids.”