When a cat stares at you, you’re compelled to comply. Our little cat Misha was the prime practitioner of The Rubby Ritual, a religious ceremony in which either I or my wife were required to sit on the floor while she walked around us, rubbing against various objects (the corner of a couch, a door frame). Once during each circumnavigation she would draw near, at which point we were to hold out a hand, which she would then rub against, demonstrating that, like each of the other sacred objects, we belonged to her. The procedure required absolute rapt attention. If we looked away, she would stop, reach out with half-exposed catnails, and give us a firm-but-gentle clawing.
Attention must be paid.
It’s the same with humans. We need attention, and we each have our rubby rituals. Dr. Gary Chapman famously broke these into 5 Love Languages. The central idea being that, if you want to tell someone you love them, you need to tell them in their language, which is, more often than not, different from yours.
My wife and I love each other very much. But we speak completely different love languages. On one occasion, I wasn’t feelin’ the love in my language (Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation) and told her so. In response, Trudy informed me that she hadn’t been feelin’ the love in her language either (Quality Time and Acts of Service).
To quote a wise little alien, “Ouch.”
One of the main things Jesus taught us is that the key to getting something you want—not the piddly stuff, but the big stuff like Forgiveness, Kindness and, yes, Attention—is to give it, and to give it first. There’s a Catch 22, though: Sometimes others won’t respond immediately, or even at all. What then? Keep doing it anyway.
Why?
Because it’s not a transaction. It’s a transformation. When you give the things you want—which were planted in your heart for this very reason—you start to become the person you’re supposed to be. Most people will respond in kind, some won’t. But it won’t matter. Because something much more valuable than merely getting what you want will have occurred (Luke 6:35-38).
I tried to capture this in the lyrics of a song we used in my feature film Healing River:
There’s a paradox to living
‘Cause the way to get is just by giving,
And the way to live is just by dying,
And the way to find love is to stop trying…and just love
Easy to sing. Hard to do. So, if you’ll pardon me, I have to get back to my language lessons. I’m trying to become fluent in Trudy. Because, as Misha taught us…
Attention must be paid.
Absolutely, attention must be paid, whether it’s deciphering the intricate language of a feline or navigating the nuances of human love languages. It’s a beautiful reminder that the essence of love lies not just in receiving, but in giving freely and unconditionally. Your insights resonate deeply!
So glad it resonated with you, Claire.
A great message Mitch!
Thank you, Ruth!
Just lovely & it made me think of our 18-year-old cat, Phoebe. She is NOT fond of being rubbed or petted unless it’s HER idea, & then it’s amazing what she can give. I think that sums up what you said. Trudy is a lucky woman …
Aw, thank you, Linda. And bless Phoebe for being such a good teacher.
Brilliant, Mitch! Deep too… Well-intuited from observation and experience. Blessings….
Thank you! Unfortunately, WordPress has decided your name is Anonymous.
Actions, for the most part, speak louder than words. Thanks for the love lesson, Mitch! 🙂
My privilege, Nancy, and yes, they do indeed.
You and Trudy are much like Gary & me, only in reverse. His love languages are acts for service and giving of gifts (which, honestly, don’t matter that much to me), and mine are physical touch and words of affirmation (not in his wheelhouse either). We have both endeavored to become more ‘Love Language Bilingual’ but still miss the mark at times. Learning to communicate those feelings, like you and Trudy do, is the best solution from my perspective! And from all you’ve shared in several of your posts, you have a great marriage! I guess opposites truly DO attract! And since our 50th anniversary is this Saturday and we still love being together, I’m thinking we’ve actually done ok too! 😂
Happy 50th, Dori!!
Thank you! :):)
Yes, it is all to easy to become complacent in a relationship. Wise words, Mitch.
Thank you, Sandy.
typo you mean 6:36-38
<3
And folks say that animals are…Animals. I don’t use the comparison of vile folks to animals anymore, God’s four legged ones have more sense that many of the two legged ones. Zen Cats, Mind Reading Dogs, Operatic Birds, I enjoy them all. Your cat is a wise one.
Indeed she was, Phil.
Well said! I know my spouse needs her moments in the warm sunlight of attention. I admit that I often get caught up in my own priorities and neglect that. As Socrates taught “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” I have a good wife, and to keep her happy I need to remember to set aside those other priorities, which in the end are not my true priorities at all. Happy wife, happy life.
Wise man (even you didn’t become a philospher).
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Great post, Mitch. As Stephen Covey reminds us in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand. Then to be understood.”
Which in itself is a paraphrase of St. Francis, who, in his turn, was paraphrasing Jesus. Truth is recylable.
I didn’t know that but it makes a lot of sense, Mitch.
Beautiful Post