Thought for the Week
Family. A mixture of people we get and don’t get, love and only pretend to love. Because, well, they’re family.
I haven’t seen my cousin Ralph in over fifty years. The moment he hit his teens he stopped attending family gatherings. Why? Because (his sister tells me) he felt like we were just a bunch of strangers fate had randomly thrown him together with. Funny thing is, Ralph was the only person in the family I ever really I related to.
I was nominally loyal. I never stopped attending family gatherings, but by the time I was a teenager I too had decided my friends, the people I chose, were more important than this random group of strangers called “family.” So I tolerated them, but loved my friends. And I felt positively virtuous about this (I felt positively virtuous about everything as a teenager).
Until one day (several decades long) I began to realize that loving the people I chose—people who were more like me—wasn’t the virtuous path, it was the easy one. It was, in a sense, simply an extension of loving myself. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing (friends can extend us in the best sense of the term, too).
But it’s not the whole thing.
The last time my extended family got together, I watched with an anthropologist’s eye: At first, they vacillated toward those they found easiest to love. But then they reached out to the hard-to-loves. And sometimes this produced hot tears and frustration because, while family love might not be enemy love (the kind Jesus commanded us to do), it’s definitely a step in that direction.
Enemy love forces us to try and understand people we have no desire to understand. So why bother? Because understanding our enemies is the only way to heal our world. Still, it’s the opposite of feel-good love — it’s get-down-in-the-dirt commando love.
By comparison, family love is paintball. Still, it’s the perfect way to train for enemy love. And for that very reason, life gives us lots of surrogate families: spouse’s families, coworkers, neighbors, religious congregations. Some of these groups might even provide opportunities for full-blown enemy love. And if that happens, it won’t feel good. But it may just be the most important thing we’ll ever do. Because it’s the only way…
To heal our broken world.
Hard…but very true!
Satan has an arsenal of weapons to hinder us from loving others: the green-eyed monster, spitefulness, apathy, hatred, and wagging tongues are some of them. That’s why your suggestion of get-down-in-the-dirt commando love is important. We have to understand our enemies and ourselves. 🙂
Very true, Nancy.
Terrific insight! When is it practical to love your enemies? On the otherhand the everyday people that we allow into our lives can provide that basic foundation to practice what that love should look like.
The stranger has no reason to be our enemy, unless we are talking about the reason for wars, but I think that’s a subject for another time.
Right you are, Pete.
Your note on Enemy love was certainly worth pondering.
Glad to hear that, Thomas.
Virtue aside, if a family member is outright abusive, it’s healthier to love at a distance. That said, suspending judgment can help appreciate those we might not have gotten along with in younger years. Thanks for making me think!!
Likewise, M2M!
Thank you for this post. Holidays and family brings a lot of emotions. I am estranged from my sister and my 99 year old father. Whatever I do over and over again to make a bridge of love is rebuffed. It has helped that I know God has a plan for me, and I will faithfully follow that plan, even though I do not know what it is – yet!
How sad, Joanne. I’m glad, though, that you’ve found a way to peacefully wait for God’s plan to be carried out.
And the only way to lead the lost to the Way.😉
Thought provoking post Mitch. Thanks for the great insight 🙏
My privilege, Nicola.
Beautiful insight Mitch. As the old adage goes, “familiarity breeds contempt.” Even Jesus had something to say about this: “A prophet is not without honor except in his own town and in his own home.” We’re still learning to love, to truly love, our family. But as you said that’s the only way to heal a broken world.
Exactly, and thank you for your insights, Leo and Nina.
I’ll try, once again, to comment on your posts. I keep getting a failure message. And in the bottom corner, a little thing asking what Power of Story can do to improve the website. Anyway, I did love this post about family love! It can be a challenge for sure!
Thanks, Nancy! Re. WordPress: When I approach them about glitches like this, they explain them away by stating that that’s not how things are supposed to work.
Truly well said and well shared, Mitch. Thank you. ~Ed.
My privilege, Ed.
Your mention of life giving us surrogate families really makes sense.
Glad that clicked for you, Lori.
Kind of hard to love your family when they’ve all ghosted you…
I’m so sorry to hear that, BoB. Praying.
It’s sad that people you call “family” are the ones to let you down sometimes… but either way, love always wins. Great post.
Thanks, Festo.
I learned at an early age that the people closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most.
Sadly true, Dawn. Loving people is a risky business.
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