Thought for the Week
I’m a monologist. By which I mean I’m a dedicated one-way communicator. Writing and lecturing come naturally to me. But conversation? Well…
An old girlfriend once stared at me in disbelief and said, “You live in your head!” My first thought was, No, I don’t! And then I went on to ponder that while she talked about other things which, being lost in thought, I never heard.
Flash forward a few years: My job supervisor asked for a self-assessment. “Well,” I said, “I kind of live in my head.”
“Kind of?!” he guffawed. I guess that kind of confirmed it.
I’ve known for a long time that my Achilles heel was conversation. It’s not that I don’t understand communication theory. Heck, I’ve taught it at the college level. And I’m a big believer in active listening. It’s just that I kind of suck at it. Instead of saying something, and then waiting for a response, I always seem to go on with my next thought…and my next thought…and my next thought…
Oh, I occasionally listen well. But occasionally isn’t enough. I care about people too much to say, “That’s just the way I am.” I want to demonstrate by my attentiveness that I care about their thoughts, their ideas, their concerns; not just to pick up on some tidbit they toss out and begin monologuing on it!
I sensed the need for a prompt, a tool I could use each time I entered a conversation. And this four-step acronym came to mind: TOLL, as in “pay the toll.” It stands for:
- T = Think – Do I need to say something?
- O = One – Say one thing—one thing means one thing!
- L = Listen – As in actively listen to their response (or ask for one)
- L = Learn – Learn what they’re thinking,* then respond accordingly (i.e. stop at the next “TOLL booth”), and possibly learn something you never would have if you’d stayed in your head!
Paying the TOLL makes a noticeable difference — when I practice it. How about you? If you answered “yes” to the title question…
You might want to give it try.
Great post, sometimes I listen to reply, instead of listening to understand, I’m getting better, thanks
Good for you, L.G.
My hubs is similar to you, in that he’s always thinking of his response and acting on it instead of listening to the entirety of what was said to him. I learned active listening many years ago.
A good acronym to remember in helping with the habit (ingrained after forty years working with lawyers) not to be cerebral multi-tasking while others are talking. I’ll try focusing on the two “L”s.
L on, Dirt!
I’m trying to be a better listener myself, though I find it challenging. For some reason I seem to think that I can listen and talk at the same time.
And I’ve tried all the acronyms. WAIT = Why am I talking? WAIST = Why am I still talking?
It’s almost like I’m getting paid to speak, but the truth is more often people would pay me to stay quiet. lol
;>)
Your TOLL acronym is a great guide to use while conversing. Sometimes I lose my concentration when I’m trying to remember a person’s name. 🙂
Oh, yeah. Been there, Nancy.
You sound like my brother from another mother. BTW, I couldn’t have made it to almost 75, if I didn’t live in my head. 😎😎
;>)
What great advice!
Thanks, Emma!
At least you’re self aware of this! 😊😆 That’s a good first step.
;>)
. . . I think that is why we blog; we are better literal orators than listeners – I see no problem with that. It could be the other way around . .
;>)
Yeah, this was spot on for me. I like the acronym, as it will help me slow down…
hello cora can you reply
good advice, I need to work on this
TOLL – useful acronym. Thanks, Mitch.
My pleasure, Steve.
Okay, I confess, I scrolled back to the title to see what the question was.
Great advice.
Thanks, Kara.
Man, I can benefit from this little acronym, Mitch! Since I was a kid, I’ve always been an over-explainer. The TOLL booth helps. Thanks!
My pleasure, David!
@catsartpics
Active listening is key.
Also, I like to ask myself the following:
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said right now?
Does this need to be said at all?
Yep.
That’s a great acronym, Mitch! I’ve written it down so I can work at learning it and applying it. Long ago I came across this quote: “To air one’s views gratuitously is to imply that the demand for them is brisk”–William Strunk, Jr. OUCH. It made an impression on this Chatty Cathy. I do want to be an attentive listener for others!
Ouch indeed, Nancy! (I speak for myself, not you.)
That makes two of us, Mitch. Once, a friend told me, “Aline, you don’t talk; you give lectures.” 🤭 But I’m doing my best to be a better listener too. Thank you for the acronym. This is a great idea!
Birds of a feather
flocktalk together? ;>)Yeah! 🙂
I need to be a better reader. To my surprise, I stopped by this post because it said four steps to becoming a “Lannister.” To my surprise.
;>) Sorry, Drew, no Game of Thrones advice here.
Oh boy…do I need this! Thanks!
My pleasure, Janet!
Great advice, Mitch. I will try TOLL! I really struggle to listen, as in I cannot follow a podcast or audio book. I will try for five minutes and either realize that I have no idea what I was listening to or I am sound asleep. Most in person conversations are almost as bad – but I do make more of an effort to stay awake.
On a related note, it sounds like you’re a visual learner, Anne Marie. I am.
I am for sure, Mitch. Reading, I can go at my own pace. And I read faster than most people speak. We had to do safety tests at work and I found that if I turned off the volume and read the subtitles I could do the tests in a quarter of the time it took the guys who were listening to the voice over. (Once I told them how I did it, they started doing it my way and had no problem beating my time – and score.)
The proof is clearly in the pudding, Anne Marie!
Thanks for the tip, will incorporate it into my own regimen
Well shared, my friend.
I have to say I’m a great listener. I thank GOD for giving me patience. 🙂
It’s a true gift, T.
I don’t recall who said it, but someone attentive said (something like), The reason we do not really hear each other is that mist is us listen to respond, not ‘hear.’”😉
Very, very true.
Most, duh.🙄
cora i reported you counting blog you need to redo with the same pen & same page
I can totally relate. In fact, let me tell you all about it…
;>)
There’s this truth, for inner balance, while you’re seeking the outer:
What passes for “conversation” between people right now is to the delighted and delightful exchanges of insight and information that word means to us as a wounded duckling is to a young albatross ~ the first can’t fly, and the second can’t land.
I myself have not been free to participate in normal conversation for five years and more ~ I wonder whether I could deal gracefully at all with the atmosphere of delighted entrapment and retribution with which we increasingly self-surround.
I wonder now whether I ever did.
Active listening techniques are indeed brilliantly conceived ~ but, as I’m sure you’ve discovered yourself, so cumbersome when married to the manic deflection and appeasement of a modern conversation as to become unworkable except in professional listening situations, in which it is understood which will be primarily listener and which primarily speaker (and on which there exists the mercy of a time limit).
Not even ‘active listeners’ will tend to greet you with “I salute the God/goddess in you” on the street…
In you, Mitch, I recognize another like myself ~ hyperintelligent, wholly wellmeaning, superintuitive, and highly creative.
We don’t only have to deal with the ordinary disciplines of noninterruption when the other person repeats the same sentence (which we heard yesterday ~ and the day before that also) five times over. We have to deal with it when we already “got” that message four words into the first time.
For us, by the time the second repetition is complete we have already extrapolated widespread social theorems designed to lighten their individual load, mentally added an item or two to our inner grocery shopping lists, wondered about the comic potentials of this scene, and kicked ourselves for forgetting to make that dang phone call a-GAIN.
There’s a real feeling of panic for us toward the middle of the third that we will a) fall asleep, b) tear our hair, or c) just die right now from utter straight up impolite but healthfully authentic BOREDOM…
Right?
I think you should go easier on yourself. I think it’s really very nice of us to talk to them at all.
Rock on, brother
Likewise, dear Ana.
Lovely article 🙏
Thank you.
As someone who also “lives in her head,” this is great advice! Thank you!
My pleasure, Ann. Hope it’s of use to you.
Apparently we have ONE mouth and TWO ears for a reason . . .
I suffer from this problem and I’m working on listening without getting distracted. I’ll try ‘TOLL’. Thanks, Mitch.
My pleasure, Smitha.
Mitch, as you may have read, this year my closest thing to a New Year’s resolution in a long time was James 1:19. Thanks for the acronym to go with it. 🙂👍
Yep, James nailed it, didn’t he, Annie?
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Great advice, Mitch, I’m guilty of thinking about what I want to say instead of “actively” listening. You’ve encouraged me to do better! Thanks.
My privilege, Peggy.
Great post! I like “TOLL.”
Thank you, Chaya. Hope it’s of use to you.
yes, that’s good. so hard to turn off that inner voice gearing up for the next comment and just Listen to theirs.
It is indeed.
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