My Age of Anxiety
A true story
It would be nice if my age of anxiety had ended with my breakthrough in the desert. It hadn’t. But something had changed; I’d moved from trying to control my thoughts to learning how not to control them. The less I feared my thoughts, the more they became my own — and the more I realized I wasn’t alone.
The following year, I titled my journal, “The Year of New Beginnings.” I wasn’t out of the tunnel yet, but the circle of light was growing. I had a life. I’d been in a well-known comedy act and was starting another. I was touring, recording albums, shooting videos, and teaching.
Still, why stop there? I met with a therapist, but his “let’s talk about your parents” approach felt off — like taking cough medicine for a sprained ankle. I suspected my issue was more about bio-chemistry than childhood memories. So, I tried running to boost my endorphins, but developed runner’s knee. I panicked when a three-year-relationship ended, and tried to control my thoughts again. But God whispered, “No. Let go,” and I managed to resume my “don’t flee, don’t fight—flow” mode.
Then I met the girl I would marry. She had no interest in being a surrogate therapist, and I had no interest in making her one. Life was sweeter, completer. Still, most nights I wandered in search of that elusive doorway to sleep.
I began reading up on anxiety. My two drugs of choice were coffee and whiskey, and I learned that in people with OCD these can deplete the sense-of-well-being cocktail our brains naturally produce, resulting in a fight-or-flight response. I also learned that in some people niacin (vitamin B3) can help restore those chemicals. So I quit alcohol for a year, cut my java by half, and started taking niacin. Result?
After ten years in the tunnel, I stopped worrying about stepping on cracks, and stepped out into the light. I’ve had a few minor flare-ups since then, but can honestly say, “I’m the guy who used to suffer from anxiety.”
Would I willingly take that journey again? No! I’m not crazy! (I only thought I was.) Nevertheless, I’m glad I went through it. Because I learned who I was in that tunnel and, with God’s guidance, who I was becoming.
An old high school friend told me I’d “lived a charmed life.” Hah! I thought. If you only knew! Then again, I have found the proverbial silver lining: my obsessive brain helps me imagine stories to life. And more importantly, what I’ve been through has deepened my empathy for others, empowering me to counsel people with similar pathologies. No, I’m not a therapist, just a seasoned hiker on the neurotic trail.
But “lived a charmed life”?
Well, yes, perhaps I have.
This is the fourth and final My Age of Anxiety post. To read the first three, click here.
I can relate to your words. Beautifully written.
Thank you, Sara.
You’re welcome 🌻
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I can relate – I’m going to try some B3. Thank you, Mitch.
Hope it’s helpful, Dana. I take a small dose of regular niacin* if/when I wake up at night with obsessive thoughts (*not niacinamide or timed-release or flush-free tablets), and sometimes experience “niacin flush” (reddish, itchy skin) for 15 minutes or so, but that means it’s working.
Ok, I didn’t know there were so many types, thank you!
Very interesting story you told. Thank you.
My privilege.
There are many physical and psychological problems that can be resolved by diet/nutrients. Thankfully, you found what helped you. Thanks for sharing your story, Mitch. 🙂
i don’t have anxiety but have been on antidepressants for years. Mostly I can head it off but sometimes I have to sink to get out of it. Thanks for sharing your experience.
My privilege, Martha, and blessings on your journey.
In many ways, your life IS a charm. Decorative, significant and divinely charged, it attracts attention to the light, and repels energies of shadow, for those who gaze upon it or carry it with them.
Aw, bless you, dear Ana.
“like taking cough medicine for a sprained ankle” 🙂
I took niacin once as a supplement but it gave me hot flashes. Happy it worked for you!
It does that. But for people like me it’s a welcome effect because the anxiousness it pushes away is far more unpleasant than the niacin flush.
Fellow pilgrim. And we go on from glory to glory, thanx be to God revealed in Jesus, the Christ.🤠
Amen, C.A.
This could easily have been MY STORY. How I hated those damn panic attacks and the grip they had on me. Years later they stopped as suddenly as they began and I can honestly say I do not miss them one bit. Great write, Mitch.
Thank you, Nancy, and I’m so glad your panic attacks stopped!
I need to read the rest three blog posts.
Helpful, thanks for sharing. You’re a great writer.
Glad it’s helpful, Teresa. And thank you.
I’m glad you figured out a way to control your anxiety, especially without quelling your imagination. Thanks for sharing that!
And thank you, Ann, for being so supportive.
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I am looking forward to trying out the niacin. Thank you for the suggestion. I was moved by your story. Thank you for being so transparent. I have made much progress with God’s help, but I still do not sleep enough.
Hope it’s helpful. In my case, small doses of regular niacin* are effective if/when I wake up at night with obsessive thoughts (*not niacinamide or timed-release or flush-free tablets). I sometimes experience “niacin flush” (reddish, itchy skin) for 15-20 minutes or so, but that means it’s working.
If not a charmed life, a blessed one for sure, Mitch! Even when or especially when discussing hard topics, you never fail to make me laugh – just a seasoned hiker on the neurotic trail. Yep – I’m hiking right alongside you, you old charmer you! AND though I no longer have clinical anxiety – I’m going to stock up on that B3!
;>) You go, Joanne!
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Great and informative blog!