My Real Memoir
Finally, a lead role! Two, really. I’d just been cast as the befuddled hero Mortimer in Arsenic and Old Lace, the first romantic lead I’d played since high school. And it had come less than a month after my shiny new girlfriend Darlene told me she loved me—the first romantic lead I’d played in a girl’s life since high school!
Summer Theatre at Cal State Long Beach was modelled after professional repertory theatres, with three plays mounted during an intense four-week period. Hence, I was also in the singing-dancing chorus of Sweet Charity, while Darlene had two supporting roles, including Ursula, the temperamental mistress of an Italian movie star in Charity. We rehearsed day and night, six days a week! Which I loved. Darlene and I bonded with tech director Len and his wife, dinnering together at a local pub, and beer-ing our way through Busch Gardens on our day off.
Of course, this meant I had to quit delivering newspapers for my dad. Still, I needed money, so I became a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman. I loved it about as much as I love colonoscopies (less, actually), but it offered flexible hours. And it turned me into a living anachronism. Arsenic and Old Lace was set in the early 1940s, so I’d had a barber shear off my shoulder-length locks and reduce my beard to a tiny pencil moustache. And then…
Knock-knock. Door swings open, releasing a cloud of marijuana. Six hippies stare out through the herbal mist. Hippie #1: “Yeah?” Me: “Hello, I’m from the Compton Encyclopedia Company and–” Hippie #3: “Whoaaaa, what century are you from, man?” Their laughter shook the few remaining clapboards off the house. And then…
One week into rehearsals, I started running a fever. We were still on-book (scripts in hand) and in the early stages of working things out, so director Dr. Kahan insisted I take pain-killers and soldier on. Which I did. Until my fever hit 104° and I began saying unscripted things, like, “Why is the air purple?” “He has to see a doctor!” screamed my castmates through the handkerchiefs covering their faces.
“Worst case of strep I’ve ever seen!” said the real-not-college-professor doctor as he injected four syringes of penicillin into my throat, which was now narrower than my moustache. I spent two agonizing weeks, beyond-the-help-of-Cēpacol, recovering at Mommandad’s house; during which time my recurring childhood nightmare about being lost on a dark, infected landscape, returned. And then…
Back to work. I’d had a rehearsal-ectomy, half-learned my lines while overdosing on Nyquil, missed nearly all of the play’s actual development, and now here I was returning to the lead role just four nights before the show opened! I felt like a schmo, a befuddled blockhead, having to be constantly nudged in the right direction by the other actors. But weirdly, it worked–the local theatre reviewer praised my artfully “muddled” performance. Somehow, I pulled through. Because, when push comes to shove…
The schmo must go on!
My Real Memoir is a series. To read the next one, click here.
I can certainly see how appearing befuddled would fit poor Archibald in Arsenic and Old Lace. So glad it worked out for you!
Thanks, Abe. Honestly, I felt uncomfortable right on through closing night, but somehow we pulled it off.
Mitch,
I felt your pain. Yeah, but you used that illness as an opportunity. Have a healthy summer. Gary
Gary Avants Forbear Productions * *garyavants66@gmail.com garyavants66@gmail.com
;>) Thanks, Gary!
Hilarious! And now I finally know what the phrase, “You’re a real trouper” means!
I’m surprised Darlene didn’t get sick, too. You were certainly determined not to let your castmates down. Bravo! 🙂
Thanks, Nancy!
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Theatre is not for the timid for sure.
You are a true showman🥸
;>)
Nice that in your situation “befuddled” was perhaps only partially acting? 😏🤨
Exactly, Annie.
I loved this Mitch, what a great twist, thank you for sharing!
My pleasure, Kamina!
Reminds me of recording one chapter of “Counselor” when I had laryngitis, the one where Liz got laryngitis before her theatrical debut. Later we recorded the whole chapter, and my producer dubbed my hoarse voice in for whenever sick Liz spoke. 😏👍
Perfect, Annie. “When life gives you lemons…” ;>)
“… mix them with honey and take a spoonful – AFTER recording the sick lines.” 😉
;>)
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