My Real Memoir
Whatever I might become, after my meltdown there was no going back to who I’d been. My first year as a grad student had ended. I’d taken off like Lindberg and crashed like the Hindenburg. And now there was nothing to distract me from the wreckage of the former me. Or what I’d thought was me, at any rate. Had I always been a sham?
In eighth grade, I’d gained some cred as a clever guy, and even run for class president. But then my cousin Frankie started hunting me down at lunchtime. He’d stand beside me as I regaled someone with a “there was this one time” story. Then he’d poke me in the arm and ask over and over again in a whiny voice, “Whatcha talkin’ ‘bout, Mitchie?” I’d never been a “Mitchie,” not even as a baby. He never told me why he did this. But I suspect he was trying to take me down, to make me lose my cool and reveal the pathetic oddball I really was.
Anxiety was my new Frankie, always there poking me in the arm, taunting me to lose it in public and be cast into outer darkness. My own personal hell. My fear of losing control often veered toward the spiritual. I’d just seen a movie The Omen, and liked it. But it had also prompted me to obsess over good and evil. Could I in my madness be “invaded” by evil, like in The Exorcist (which I’d seen the previous year)? Or was there something that would protect me from it? Could faith do that?
I’d “tried on” faith during the Arts Festival I directed the previous month. A group of sacred dancers had gotten cold feet (which can’t be good if you’re a dancer). “Listen,” I told them, “this is your chance to get the word out.” I liked feeling like I was part of something bigger than myself. They smiled and made a place for me in their prayer circle. But I pretended to not to notice and hurried away.
A short time later, I drove to a church called Calvary Chapel that was at the very heart of the booming “Jesus Movement.” My ex-fiancée Kat had told me about it.
I pulled into the parking lot just as the last few cars were leaving–something had ended. I was disappointed. And relieved. Still, I got out and walked up to the entrance of the main building. There, I found two young women arguing over evolution vs. creation. They seemed to regard it as some kind of believer’s litmus test.
Again, “trying on” faith, I asked, “Is this really the main thing? You both believe in Jesus, right?” “Yes!” they said in keen harmony. “So maybe you can give each other a pass on this? I mean, only God knows exactly how he did it, right?” They laughed, hugged, and agreed to pray together. I slipped quickly away.
Back in my car, I tried to soak up some of the peace I’d felt talking with them, hoping to take it home with me. And then, on impulse, I drove to my little arts academy. Went into the unlit dance studio/theatre, and said, “Listen, God, I really need you to be real. Because I don’t think I can be…
Unless you are.”
My Real Memoir is a series. To read the next one, click here.
Nice, hopefully to be continued, great story teller
Thank you, L.G. And, yes, to be continued, but there are still sidetrips and deadends along the way, I’m afraid.
And so, the story continues, or does it? BTW, the argument of the two girls reminds me of an argument that took place in my Baptist Laymen’s meeting recently. The brothers were going on about whether women should be preachers. Of course, there is very little scripture about this issue in the Bible; however, many denominations have built a doctrine around them. I was moved to squelch the argument by saying, isn’t this arguing exactly what Satan wants us to do. He loves schism.
Good point.
I’m chomping at the bit to read about the upswing in your life-which is apparent that it happened! 🙂
E…ven…tu…ally, yes.
What a powerful end, Mitch!
Thank you, Aline.
I enjoyed reading this post Mitch 🙂
Happy to hear that, Beth.
Oh yeah!
Yes the real me, what is the real one ?
Oh my goodness… I relate so much to this.
<3
hello linda i have been praying to you know?
Praying to the Lord is a good thing. God bless you, Rudy
linda you know catsartpics
I love cats. Do you make cat art pictures?
Rudy, I just found some wonderful pictures of cats with dogs. If you click on this link, it will take you to the pictures. https://bluebirdofbitterness.com/2025/06/21/caturday-funnies-barkalounger-edition-18/
i need to pray for catsartpics to rewrite from 0 to 100 using same marker & same page
God was certainly engineering encounters and experiences for you, Mitch, drawing you to himself. He dropped those troubling questions into your mind, put you in that prayer circle, introduced you to Calvary Chapel through your ex-fiancee, gave you a taste of peace to whet your appetite, and no doubt provided even more such circumstances. He IS the hound of heaven, just as poet Francis Thompson described. Your experience gives me hope for those I pray for!
Thank you, Nancy, the Hound of Heaven indeed. Although at the time I didn’t see it that way, I certainly do now.
hello nancy
hola
Hola, Rudy.
how is everything i am still praying
Love the story and the “to be continued” ending!
Thank you, Peggy. It seems our lives are serials, not episodic shows that wrap-up with a neat conclusion each week.
So true, my friend! Thanks for sharing your story.
My privilege, Peggy.
Wonderful insights into the real you!
Thank you, Vanya.
“Unless you are…”
Amen.
He is just waiting to find our real interst in him, them he reveals himself. Blessings.
Pingback: Mocking the Monster That Haunted Me - Mitch Teemley
Pingback: Here’s Why We’re Fascinated by Robots - Mitch Teemley
Pingback: The Public Debut of Me #2 - Mitch Teemley