Photo by GAIMARD
Thought for the Week: Don’t Pass it On
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” ~Romans 12:2
A high percentage of abusers were themselves abused as children–physically, verbally, sexually. Other people may have more subtly broken models of adulthood, yet they too pass on their brokenness.
No one is a perfect model.
We once had two sweet but morbidly obese neighbors, who asked us to housesit for them. Their home looked like them, unscrubbed and unkempt, with nothing but sugary snacks and fat-laden junk foods in its cupboards, not a hint of protein or fresh produce in sight. They were likable people, and yet, at the same time, we feared for their son. He was wiry and active at age five. But within just a few short years, he’d grown lethargic and grossly overweight. Just like his parents. They loved their son, yes, and would never have dreamed of abusing him.
And yet they did.
How? By abusing themselves, and by modeling that abuse to their child. We all inherit legacies of brokenness, even those of us who are from “the best of families.”
Every one of us is challenged, by sheer virtue of being born, to do better than our parents. To keep what’s good…and replace what’s broken. For our children and for our hurting world’s sake, we’re called to model better, not broken. So, don’t pass it on. Difficult? Oh, yes — perhaps the most difficult thing you’ll ever do.
But infinitely worth it.
As a teacher I was saddened to see so many American kids grow up in such an unhealthy lifestyle. I’ve been conflicted about how to address the issue individually. Do I just let it happen, or am I being judgmental and meddling if I say anything?
🧡 It’s case by case, I think, Annie, and with lots of prayer.
Thank you for this brilliant and thought-provoking post. Choosing not to pass on one’s own wounds is a courageous, daily act of love.
It is indeed, Luisa.
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Don’t forget that some of these (and many others) are generational sins that are passed down and can be broken.
I’m a millennial. I’m not sure what’s wrong with my generation (even Gen X), but they’re passing emotional neglect onto their kids. It’s really sad to see, and opens my eyes to do better. Thank you for sharing.
🧡 It’s a challenge for every generation, Chanél.
I certainly made my share of mistakes as a parent! But I trusted God for his guidance through those years of child-rearing and prayed for each of our three children every day. He redeemed my efforts!
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Do better…powerful words and naturally invitational. Thank you, Mitch. 💝
My privilege, Vicki.
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I think one thing we definitely both did with our kids is not expect or pressure them into being what we thought was right for them. Both our sets of parents had definite expectations. My husband thought independently from grade six and never wavered though under pressure into his thirties., but I didn’t find my own way until around thirty after trying to please first my dad and then my mom in different wishes they had for me.
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I’m looking at that picture of the little boy with stupid written across his face. So wrong!!!
Your thoughts made me think of social psychologist Roy Baumeister’s negative Golden Rule: “It’s what you don’t do unto others that matters most.”
That is one of the most powerful things I have heard lately. Thank you for sharing it.
Every one of us is challenged, by sheer virtue of being born, to do better than our parents. To keep what’s good…and replace what’s broken – could not agree more with this. A great post.
Thank you, Manu.
There is a great sarisfaction watching your children being great parents and nurturing their children in their young lives. I hope that they learnt (for better or worse) from their experiences of being with parents even though we ended up sadly in divorce. However, they never doubted the love we as parents have alwats had for them.
So sad to hear about the young kid becoming grossly overweight at a young age.
Truth in every word, Mitch.
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What you’ve written names something so true and so often invisible: brokenness doesn’t just wound us, it trains us. We absorb patterns—habits of mind, ways of coping, ways of treating ourselves—and without even meaning to, we hand those patterns to the next generation. Not out of malice, but out of unexamined inheritance.
What struck me most is the reminder that “not passing it on” isn’t passive. It’s an act of courage. It requires looking honestly at what shaped us, discerning what is worth keeping, and refusing to baptize what is harmful simply because it feels familiar. Romans 12:2 is exactly the right anchor: transformation begins with renewed thinking, and renewed thinking leads to renewed modeling.
The hope in your piece is what stays with me. We’re not doomed to repeat what we received. By grace, we can interrupt the cycle—whether the brokenness was loud and obvious or quiet and respectable. And when we do, we give our children and our communities a gift far larger than ourselves: a different future than the one we inherited.
A hard calling, yes. But a holy one. And worth every ounce of effort.
I belong to the 12-Step group for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, where we look at those traits we acquired growing up–naming what was abusive and then reparenting ourselves with love and compassion. It is a life-long work of healing and recovery, and so worth the effort to live in greater freedom.
Sounds like a wonderful, and much-needed, program, Madeline.
Well said, Michael. 🧡
Never looked at it this way. Thank you for this perspective.
Blessings
My privilege, Pete.