Photo by Gerrie Vernon
My Real Memoir
While still in 2nd grade, inspired by the Little Rascals, my buddy Jeff and I formed a “He Man Woman Haters Club (No Girlz Allowed!).” We met a couple of times in a “secret” (not really) clubhouse in Jeff’s garage, and talked about “man stuff.” It was kinda boring.
Two weeks later, I resigned. Which left Jeff as the only remaining member, so he resigned too. The problem was, I liked girls. I liked talking to them, and especially liked looking at them. But what sealed the deal was when, after I’d skinned my elbow on the school blacktop, a tender-hearted 3rd grader saw me crying. She rubbed my shoulders as she escorted me to the nurse’s office.
“That must have hurt,” the nurse observed.
“No, it felt good!” I said. I was thinking about the shoulder-rub, not my elbow. Still, I had no future with older women.
Then I met Lisa. She was a tall, dark-haired beauty (i.e. she liked me) who loved books–I’d met my soulmate! So I walked her home. I told her I couldn’t stay, but then we talked about our favorite books. Still, I had to go. But then she opened the door, pointed at a chess board in her living room, and said, “I could teach you.”
So, you see it really was woman who first tempted man.
I don’t know how long I stayed, but when I left it was almost dark.
“I was worried sick about you!” Mom yelled when I walked in the front door. (“Sick”? Honestly, I never once saw her throw-up when I came home late.) I told her about Lisa. “I think she’s my girlfriend.”
Mom grinned. “Well, not until you buy her something.”
“What?”
“How about a ring?”
I went to the world’s most sophisticated store, J.J. Newberry’s (pre-curser to that bastion of fashion Walmart), and spent all I had (35¢) on a handcrafted ring with a rare gem, probably a ruby.
Still, you know how things are. Over time we drifted apart. We last three days. Adventure was calling, in the form of Jeff. So I answered.
Years later, in high school, a short, platinum blonde smiled at me. I smiled back. “Don’t you remember me?” she asked. “I’m Lisa.” I was stunned. Alas, the magic was gone.
Still, we’ll always have our memories.
My Real Memoir is a series. To read the next one, click here.
Mitch Teemley 
Yes. Been there. Sigh. My first crush was my 2nd grade teacher, Miss Jackson. It all came to an end when, while flying back to the US from the Netherlands (I was an Air Force Brat, she taught in the DOD school), she opened the lavatory door, saw me, and said, “Willy. You should lock the door when you’re in here.”
Did a guy ever suffer a worse break up? 😥💔
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Heinous, Will, simply heinous.
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In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t give her a ring….
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Great story. One I bet so many of us men can relate to. I remember my first crush on a girl in high school. Taller than me, with long flowing brown hair. On valentines day I arranged to meet her after school to give her a card and of course, some chocolates. When I seen her approaching on the other side of the road, I’m sure my heart stopped with excitement. As she got in the middle of the road, a car hit her and knocked her to the ground. Luckily she wasn’t too hurt, but I at such a young age thought she had to much bad luck and so, nothing else came from it. I still see her from time to time and say hello as we pass each other. I always remember her, or more so the car!
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Wow! Do you cause disasters on a regular basis, Antony, or was this an exception? ;>)
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Go easy on me, it was my first valentine! 😉
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And it makes for a winsome story. Our son formed a Tough Guys Club (his moniker) because we moved into a neighborhood with only high schoolers, so we had to import friends. He designed a flag and a pledge, which ended “fun, food, friends. . . and no girls.” It lasted a the summer of 1981.
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All summer?! ;>)
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Once a week for seven weeks, it looks like. Part planned activity (airport, where my hubs was an air traffic controller, etc.), part on their own–5 boys. (I didn’t realize that I was in training to be a Den Mom, but that’s where it led!)
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My first girlfriend, at about the same age as you and Lisa, was with me when I got her ring out of the 5¢ (gum balls were 1¢) gift machine. We lasted about as long. Ain’t young love grand?
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Yep!
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Ha Ha. We had a “Woman’s Hater” club as well. As I recall, it did not last long. Thanks for the memories.
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The comments were just as much fun as the post! I needed something to smile about at the end of the today today. Thank you!
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My first girlfriend Darlene was in 3rd grade at St Juan Cabrillo Elementary School in Hawthorne that I lost track of until recently when I pranked her by trying to sign my new friend Darlene to a personal management contract to work as a stand-in for Uma Thurman, but Darlene hated Uma and complained to my Co-Prankster (Jacob) about why did he let me drive Michael Craigs’ “Murder” RR Ghost, but Jacob told Darlene it never happened, and Darlene in exasperation said, “What do you mean, I saw the pictures”, and Jacob said “Who Are You Going to Believe Me or Your Own Lyin Eye’s” and about that time Darlene appeared to realize she was being played and how much I loved My first girlfriend…
Plus Uma thought our prank on Darlene was adorable, but that’s what happens everyday when you live with the greatest actors and actresses in Malibu, or as Teri Wise would say, “We were obsessed with first run Hollywood Movies”…
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We do indeed have our memories! (Funny how we still remember first boyfriends/girlfriends decades later.) In first grade I liked a new boy in the neighborhood, also in first grade. His name was Blue Jean. Sometime later when I mentioned him to my mother, she told me, “He’s not Blue Jean. He’s EU-gene!” Oops. I wonder why he never corrected me?!
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He was embarrassed to admit he’d thought your name was “Fancy.”
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Throughout my life so far, I’ve only been in a relationship once. In secret, no less. We only parted ways we knew because society and family wouldn’t accept it. Last time we met and spent time together was during his wedding. Still missing him though…
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Ah, remembering about your first crush is always kind of fun for me haha
Really nice writing style, great post
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Thank you.
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