I decided that, in order to look like a proper manly writer (or a very avant garde female writer), I needed a beard. So three weeks ago I stopped shaving.
Pros so far: I’ve stopped shaving. 
Cons so far: It itches like the Dickens. I mean, seriously, have you seen Charles Dickens’s beard? ⇒ ⇒ ⇒
Also, it has the consistency of chicken wire. Which makes my wife cry fowl, because, while she likes the look of it, she hates the way it feels when we (adult content alert) kiss. So…
I googled “beard softener,” thinking softer might also mean less itchy. To my surprise there were all kinds of beard conditioners on the market! I sifted through the weird stuff, like bear grease (seriously), because, I mean I really do want my wife to (adult content alert) kiss me again. I finally settled on a beard kit made in China.
So far, the beard conditioning oil doesn’t seem to do much, and the too-thick-to-apply beard balm’s “directions” simply tell me that “it’s great.” The directions for the 
remainder of the kit are charmingly oriental and pretty much indecipherable. Which is a problem because the remainder of the kit consists of two mysteriously complicated devices that, I suspect, require steam power. I mean, Jules Verne clearly would have known just what to do with them. Have you seen him? Now that’s a manly writer beard!
I’ll bet his wife (adult content alert) kissed him a lot!
Mitch, don’t cave in to the itch. Remember that you want to look like a caveman (or manly writer). Hemingway had a beard. Have you ever seen Jesus without a beard? And we all know that God has a full length growth of glowing white hair on his face. So, man up and fly right. 😁
Pictures, I want to see pictures.
To paraphrase another bearded guy, Michael, “We will serve no beard (pictures) before their time.”
My beard is very sparse. I’ve tried to grow a beard but it just looks like my face is moldy.
;>)3
I had an uncle that couldn’t grow a beard. He looked like someone had splatter Nair or Neet on his face.
That’s what mine looks like.
Hilarious! My husband has a manly beard. I love it! I’ve got so used to it now that I don’t much like (adult content alert) kissing him without it! 🤣
You give me hope, Angela!
Amen sister. I’m always sad when summer hits and my husband’s beard has to go.
Looking forward to seeing your ‘face furniture’ in all its glory 😂
Mitch, I read all of your posts and thoroughly enjoy them. On this topic I’ll share my experience.
In my twenties my barber asked what kind of conditioner I used on my beard. This struck me as odd since, as far as I was concerned, I was merely washing my face. From then on I’ve shampooed my entire head ( regardless of my lack of hair on top) and conditioned all hair on my head. I can tell the difference on my hair and beard, so hopefully it will help you too.
On other products, my wife gave me some ‘beard oil’. I don’t care for the way it felt, plus it made me itch. Concerning your new growth itching, new growth will normally itch for a while. Hopefully, it stops itching. Otherwise, you can always shave.
Hmm, the info online says not to use hair conditioner, that only beard oily conditions a beard properly–but then I think that info is posted by makers of beard oils. And, yes, the beard oil does seem to make the itching worse. Thanks, Gary!
My husband grew his out last fall and winter. BEAUTIFUL.
Let’s just say it sparked a revival.
;>)
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Each to his own.
I grew out a beard a couple of years ago. Turns out my beard is all grey, so I shaved it off.
Mine’s pretty much all white. By Christmas I should be able to pick up extra holiday money playing Santa Claus.
“The slogan, ‘Press On!’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race,” said Calvin Coolidge. I guess that goes for the problem of growing beards too. So grow on, Mitch, and condition on, trim on, comb on, clean on, etc. (Or forego the beard problems of Dickens and Verne and shave OFF. Model yourself after C. S. Lewis who did not sport facial hair!)
Hmm, so you’re saying the really godly writers are beardless, Nancy? But then there are the Apostles… ;>)
No, there are plenty of godly writers with beards. I just thought if you held up a model of a proper manly writer withOUT a beard, you might be more accepting of a shave-off–should it come to that!
If you can stand it, give it 2 or 3 more weeks and you’ll get past the itchy part. It also will soften as it gets longer.
Thanks for the tip, John. I’ve had a beard before, but it’s been a long time; good to have some encouragement.
Would love to have the picture of this freshy fresh look
Freshy fresh indeed. ;>) Assuming I keep it, I’ll probably post a pic somewhere along the line.
He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man.
William Shakespeare – Much ado about nothing
Perfect. I will soldier on!
As soon as I read the title I thought to myself, I wonder what Mrs. Mitch thinks of that.
I am happy to see that you addressed the issue. I am a firm believer that every individual
should choose his/her own style, but for the life of me I can’t understand why you would mar
that Michelangelo countenance with an overgrowth of hair. However, I defer to Mrs. Mitch.
She has a license that validates her opinion. Just keep sharing your wit and wisdom and we, your loyal fans, will have no complaints. As for that kit from China…hmmmmmm….just make sure it doesn’t have Round-Up in it!
;>) Yeah, she likes the look, Sarah. We’ll see about the texture. Re. Round-Up: Well, at least it’ll be weed-free.
sorry about yhe crazy spacing…no idea why it did that
My dad never grew a beard but, attempted a mustache, once, for about six months when I was a kid. He hated it. He complained that, not only did the hair follicles erupt with pimples underneath the hair (and itch) but, when it was wet after a shower, he said it dried…one hair at at time. Boing. Boing. Boing.
;>)
Thanks to the miracle that is genetics, I am only capable of growing an A-patchy beard…a patchy over here, a patchy over there…yeah…thanks DNA. 😂😂😂
Oh, and you might check some of the domestic brands. I’m sure someone produces something you can use, with instructions that don’t require Google translate.
;>)
Sometimes an artist has to suffer for a greatest deed…
Hehe. 😀
This post will have “play” for a very long time. The Human Condition will plague us to the end. Beard On my friend and learn the advantages of . . . . . . . . . . . (Adult Content).
I have heard great things about the Art of Shaving kits. I know they smell amazing. From what I understand it will take a while for your beard to soften, unfortunately. It is a commitment. Best of luck with getting your wife on board! 🙂
Thanks for the encouragement. I’ll check out the Art of Shaving kits.
Haha, sounds like a beard for men is like high heels for women. It looks good but … lol!
Uh-oh, do you think I could stumble and break my ankle, Erika? ;>)
Haha… I think you might be able to manage without injuries… lol
Will you post a picture of you with beard? 🙂
Maybe…?
Great beard on Dickens. Think other great ‘literary ‘ beards were Dostoyevsky and Whitman.
As a wearer of a beard for over 3 decades, I highly recommend it!
I’m totally rocking the Charles French look.
My own beard is scraggly looking but soft, with no special treatment. I inherited my father’s ability to grow stubble like cactus spines a few hours after shaving, so growing a beard was the only way I could kiss my wife w/o having to shave first. Be patient.
Nice little pun run you’ve got there, Mitch.
Here’s my beard
Ain’t it weird?
Don’t be sceered
‘s just a beard
– George Carlin
My husband grew a beard. I love it; however, we argue over length. The longer it is the softer it is. When he keeps it at a 2 clipper we will say it’s softer than the close shaved beard. I prefer it a little longer than the 2 because it’s even softer. Maybe you will have luck with it softening when it gets a little longer.
Good to know!
Can’t imagine my husband without a beard/mustache. Beards can be just as varied as hair, so you can have coarse and curly or fine and smooth. It can be thick or thin; match your hair or contrast with it; soft like Santa or wiry like steel wool. My brother and both my older boys have the Viking beards…red, curly and thick. My Senior VP had the well-groomed short beard when he was still in the office. He now looks like one of ZZ Topps guitar players. Grow it out, braid it, comb it, color it purple! You’ll be fine!
Grow, baby, grow. That’s my summer project, too. Have fun.
The key to a beard is knowing the right length of beard for you.
Do you mean the length of the hairs? One woman above said her husband’s beard was softer at a #2 or longer clipper setting.
Yes. I keep mine at a #2 clipper setting also, any longer than that it starts to look unruly and is uncomfortable. Some men look better with longer beards and others with shorter beards. Part of it is also considering how it grows in on your face too.
Ah, thanks for the feedback. Do you use a regular hair clipper? (I ask because I already have one of those.)
My husband keeps his at a 2 clipper length and I like it. It is softer I think. He also says it is less itchy at that length. Although I do like it longer too. 😉
So funny!! 🙂 (FYI, I think it is in the Screwtape Letters that Lewis says something about beards being christian. Wait, here it is (Screwtape’s words): “The aim is to guide each sex away from those members of the other with whom spiritually helpful, happy, and fertile marriages are most likely. Thus we have now for many centuries triumphed over nature to the extent of making certain secondary characteristics of the male (such as the beard) disagreeable to nearly all the females – and there is more to that than you might suppose.”) Not really sure if I agree with Lewis on this one (or if my marriage will survive a forever bearded husband), but hey….. 🙂
;>)
Love it, Mitch … who knew references to Charles Dickens, Jules Verne and growing and grooming a beard could be so fun(ny)?!
They sell a brand at Walmart that my son really likes – Cremo. (By the time you get this, you may have solved your initial grow-in issues.) He has scruff, not a real beard. So it’s in that itchy stage a lot of the time.
My beard’s two months old now, but still pretty itchy. I’ll check out Cremo. Thanks, Cat!
I posted the first pic of me with a beard today. I know, woo-hoo, right? But a few folks said they wanted to see it: https://mitchteemley.com/2019/07/08/im-not-an-actor-i-just-play-one-on-tv/