A few years back, a publisher friend, Richard, stunned me by announcing, after we’d completed a successful project together, that he would never work with me again. When I asked why, he said I was lazy and dishonest. “Lazy” because I’d failed to make changes based on the notes he’d given me (notes I disagreed with), and “dishonest” because I made up excuses for not complying. When I protested, he told me I was deluded, and that he understood my motives better than I did.
It was the most offensive thing anyone had ever said to me. Sure, a few road-ragers have shouted viler things, but this was my friend, and it hurt like hell. I mean that literally, by the way—judging has the distinct whiff of hell about it. Richard hadn’t simply judged my words or actions—that I could live with—he’d judged me. He’d assigned motives, something only my Creator, who knows me better than I know myself, has the right to do!
I was hurt and angry. The more I stewed, the more I became convinced Richard wasn’t the person I’d thought he was. He was a shallow narcissist who used people, he was…
Wait—was I judging him?
Convicted, I started pausing when I said the words “forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” during the Lord’s Prayer. Debtors (or “trespassers”) are people who’ve sinned against us, or who we perceive as having done so. Each time I would stop and forgive Richard specifically. Soon, I began praying for his well-being and his family’s. My feelings were mixed, but on some level, at least, I meant it. I had no expectation of reconciliation, but in time I began to hope that maybe… And then one day I felt prompted to call Richard and ask him to meet me for coffee.
We beat around the bush for two hours. Then I finally told him how hurt I was. He barely remembered using the words “lazy,” “dishonest” or “deluded,” he said. And then, to my astonishment, he admitted he’d lashed out because he felt judged by me! He felt I’d taken him for granted, assumed he was motivated purely “by money” when, in fact, his motive in doing the project had been his love for me as a friend.
“I had no idea,” I said. (I really hadn’t.)
“I know,” he replied. “I don’t think I realized it myself until just now.”
I asked his forgiveness, anyway. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t made his feelings clear previously. It mattered that he needed healing. Just like I did. And then he asked my forgiveness in return. It wasn’t movie-cute. We didn’t cry or hug. But something was different. Something had changed.
Somehow, we were friends again.
Insightful! I have gone through smiliar thought processes myself. We have to be careful not to judge others who we think are judgmental!
It tends to be that way surprisingly often, doesn’t it, Carol.
I think Jesus addressed this when he said to take care of the log in our own eyes first!
He did indeed.
Such a valuable post, Mitch! Thank you.
My privilege, Gail.
Wow, Mitch! That’s a powerful example of how we can misunderstand each other. I had a situation with a boss who kept leaving horrible remarks on my reports. I assumed he felt that my work didn’t measure up and after awhile I quit. He was dumbfounded and said he thought it was a joke!! I never trusted him again no matter how hard he tried to beg me to stay. I forgave him but couldn’t trust him.
So sad, Sally. Glad you were able to forgive him at any rate.
What a wonderful, encouraging memoir.
What a simple, yet powerful story, Mitch. So many people would have just dropped it and chosen to never reach out to a friend who had done this. How wonderful that you were able to work things out and practice forgiveness.
It made me very happy to read that ending. I’m glad the two of you could have an adult-like conversation, admit wrong, and ask for forgiveness. This is beautiful!
Thank you, trE, and I’m glad too!
Yes!
Wow, I love the course of this experience. I understand so well how it feels when someone tells you what your motives were or that you are lying and that they know exactly your intention. That is so hurtful and humiliating. But then realizing that it could have happened on both ends truly does change something dramatically. It is so moving when that gets worked out together.
It truly is, Erika.
Man, that is hard to pray the Lord’s prayer (actually the DISCIPLEs’ prayer) and get over that phrase about forgiveness when you’ve got a grudge, and even harder when we feel it is legitimate. We all need the Holy Ghost’s promptings to help us see the log in our own eyes.
❤️&🙏, c.a.
Very true, C.A.
That was harsh! I’m so glad you both found a way past it. Now that shows strength of character. Great share. Kudos.
Thank you, KC.
Neat story, Mitch. Forgiveness may not always bring about reconciliation between two old friends, but it’s such a beautiful thing when it does!
That is a quite interesting story. As I was reading it I was thinking how arrogant it was of Richard to assign motives, what a judgemental and false friend, and then the story continued and you got an explanation. We should really talk to each other before anger sets in and not retaliate. Judgementalism is indeed a dangerous feeling.
Thank you. I needed to hear this story.
My privilege, Joni.
Mitch,
That is the way is should work, brother. It starts with us.
In Christ, Gary
Gary Avants Forbear Productions * *garyavants66@gmail.com garyavants66@gmail.com
It starts with us. 👌✨
I love how this ended, Mitch. I’ve had similar experiences, and the feeling of a weight being lifted is so freeing. I don’t know why we assign motives to others when we really don’t know what they’re thinking or feeling. I guess that’s just human (sin) nature. Another reason to be grateful for grace – God’s grace towards us and His help in extending grace to one another.
I completely agree.Gods grace is greater than our mistakes.
Amen, Annie.
To have this soul-killing experience every day, sometimes many times in a day ~ become a homeless woman in our society.
Wow, Ana. I’m so sorry to hear that. <3
Thank you.
Praise God!
Forgiveness is a powerful force!
Happens all too often to far too many.
This is a beautiful share. Forgiveness can be such a difficult and worthy process.
When we don’t communicate our feelings sometimes we don’t realize what we say and how it hurts others.
The maturity that God has grown up in you I believe assisted you to be able to forgive your friend.
Recently learning myself, if we don’t guard our hearts with diligence it can poison our spirit that our heavenly Father has put in us.
I made my mind up yesterday Mitch that I have been through too much to allow anyone to trouble me I’m going to stay in peace.
I believe what Pastor Olsteen said “How you handle people who do you wrong will determine how high you grow.
It is amazing how the biblical principles, when practiced, open new doors of forward movement. I am glad there was restoration for you and your friend.
Thanks, and amen, Joseph.
Most welcome.
Wow—what a great story with a great ending. Most of my forgiveness stories are one way–with me forgiving, but no reconciliation. How nice to read of a reconciliation.
This will make me stop and think 🤔
What a great story about a powerful choice we all have constant opportunities to make! I remember feeling justified in my unforgiveness toward someone who had caused deep hurt to me and my son (and of my goodness, how my judgment was rising!), but then the lord showed me that my refusal to forgive was keeping me anchored to the hurt like a tetherball…. Getting smacked in circles and never able to move forward. So I forgave (and had many more opportunities to do so in the following years) and found so much freedom that enabled me to love not only the person who hurt me/us pretty darn well, but I also found I was able to love my son better because my heart wasn’t all weighed down with junk. Anyways, thank you for sharing this!! It was a timely reminder for me.
My privilege, Kara.
I can relate to this. Thank you so much for the prompt that I needed in my life.
My privilege, Priscilla.
Loved the story! Many do not know or understand the healing properties of forgiveness. Thank you so much for sharing. I have experienced friendship healing. Nothing like it.
I agree, San.
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What a blessing !
It’s amazing what can happen when we find the courage to be both honest and forgiving! Thanks for the reminder.
My privilege, Ann.
I’m glad you were able to work through it with your friend. Sometimes that just isn’t possible. I read this quote and it made sense to me:
“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” –Robert Brault
Not easy, but very true.
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