Help! I Need Somebody

My Real Memoir

Help! I need somebody
Help! Not just anybody
Help! You know I need someone

I was fourteen and “girl crazy.” From my early abandonment of the He Man Woman Haters Club to discovering how much I liked smart-cute girls to my first cartoonish kiss, I’d hankered for companionship of the female persuasion. I wanted someone to love me do and maybe even please please me when I came home from a hard day’s night, although what that entailed exactly was pretty unclear.

I wanted to kiss girls. A lot. But I wasn’t sure how. I was pretty sure pursing your lips like you’re whistling wasn’t the pinnacle of ecstasy, but like guitar playing, I wasn’t very good at it. At an 8th Grade graduation party, I’d played spin-the-bottle with an array of fellow whistle-kissers until one aggressive girl wiggled her tongue around in my mouth. It felt like I was kissing a lizard, so I’d made a mental note: No tongues!

That fall, I’d been in my first high school play with two mondo-pretty older girls, dark-haired Faye and ravishingly blonde Barbara who’d made me their “pet.” I’d loved the arm-squeezes and head-pats, but figured the petting was over when the show ended.

It wasn’t.

A short time later, our Drama teacher Mr. Baker took us on a field trip to L.A. to see to the Broadway musical 110° in the Shade. On the way home, I sat in the back of the bus with Faye and Barbara. In teasing competition, they decided to see who could excite their pet Mitch the most (nothing below the belt). First they planted lipstick kisses all over my face, then they nibbled on my neck, and finally they began sensuously kissing my ears—with their tongues. I revised my mental note: OK, so, tongues are allowed in ears. They stopped there, but that was more than enough. I never wanted that bus ride to end. Faye later wrote in my yearbook, “You are my Sweetie! Remember 110° in the Shade?”

Oh, yes, I remembered.

Certain I’d advanced to the next level, I auditioned for the TV series The Dating Game, and to my delight they called that night! “We’d like to do a special Valentine’s Day edition, and need you to supply us with the names and numbers of three bachelorettes you’ve dated in the past. The angle is they won’t know it’s you until you pick the winner!”

“Bitchin’!” I replied. “Only…can they just be girls I’d like to go out with?”

“No, they need to be girls you’ve actually dated. Why do you ask?”

“Well, um…I’ve never actually been on a date.”

“What? How old are you?”

“Almost fifteen.”

Dial tone.

A few months later The Beatles song “Help!” hit the air waves and instantly became…

My theme song.

My Real Memoir is a series. To read the next one, click here.

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Humor, Memoir and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

35 Responses to Help! I Need Somebody

  1. That’s great. Happy Valentine’s Day, Mitch. God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. trE says:

    Lol. A ladies’ man in the making?! Lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oooo, that dial tone… ouch.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: In Desperate Need of Focus | Mitch Teemley

  5. Such a great story, Mitch! Do you ever wonder what happened to Faye and Barbara?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Norman Peterson says:

    Old surfer lingo when I was one living in Hermosa. ‘Bitchin’ it dates us Mitch.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. #hood says:

    imagine 135° in the shade

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ah, the dreams of youth . . .

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Mitch, this is such a great story, thanks for sharing. Happy Valentine’s day

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Your awkward, fun, exciting experiences with blossoming young ladies are certainly entertaining to read about, Mitch!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Badfinger (Max) says:

    The Dating Game! Time for a fake ID Mitch.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. With a start like that, I would think you would have been material for the Navy! I remember one young sailor (he looked 16) who was in trouble at our base in Florida. Someone he met in town was a bit younger than our young-looking sailor – and he needed to have his overseas orders processed rather quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Max Ethan says:

    Your awkward, fun, exciting experiences with blossoming young ladies are certainly entertaining to read about, Mitch!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. After a few years of playing the game “Paranoia”, their bastardized version of this song, “Kelp!” (“Paranoia” takes place mostly underground after an unspecified catastrophe, and most of their food consists of kelp derivatives), is the one I have stuck in my head. It starts like this:

    Kelp! to feed my body.
    Kelp! not just algae, buddy!
    Kelp! don’t even need a bun.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. The one and only Mitch!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. These are fabulous photos! Thanks for sharing them.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Jennie says:

    What a great story!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Susie says:

    I auditioned in 19$& lol and got a call back . Fortunately I didn’t get the second callback. The thought of that being out there somewhere for me to find …. Lol. At least I WAS 18 lol

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Pingback: Bringing My Darkness Into the Light | Mitch Teemley

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