If-Then: My Teenage Equation

From Which I Logically Conclude (p) that Teacher is a Babe (q) - Andrea Piacquadio (pexels.com)Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

My Real Memoir

The summer before high school was packed with equations. I’d signed up for summer classes at four-year-old La Mirada High, its sidewalks still warm from the exit treds of its first graduating class. If you get a taste of high school before the fall semester begins, logic dictated, then your freshman year will go better.

So I took a favorite subject, Drama, and a not-so-favorite subject Pre-Algebra, which to my surprise I liked. Why? Because—at first—it was presented in images and words:

  • If all boy scouts wear blue and Bobby wears blue, then Bobby is a boy scout. True.
  • If rock legends begin by learning to play guitar and Mitch learns to play guitar, then Mitch will become a rock legend. True!

I even liked abstract symbols: If Mitch acts in plays (p), then Mitch will become a movie star (q). But I stopped liking it when variables (r, s, t, etc.) were added.

Allow me to explain. Mr STiFiAADI (Speech-Teacher-Faking-It-As-a-Drama Instructor) chose a famously speechy play Twelve Angry Men (p) for us to perform during our summer sojourn. Since our class was co-ed, we renamed the play Twelve Angry Homosapiens, but Mr. Stifiaadi chickened out and re-labled it 12 Angry People for the tiny parents-and-family-members-only audience (r). It was my first drama, and I had a couple of juicy scenes, so I bought a fake moustache and glue (spirit gum) in order to look like a truly angry man (s). Nevertheless, I did not become a movie star (q). Why?

Because of those *^#@#%-ing variables!

If Mitch acts in a play (p), but only parents and no producers actually attend (r) + if Mitch’s moustache starts to fall off right at the beginning of the performance, causing him to hold it in place with one hand throughout the rest of the show, thus hiding the lower half of his face and muffling literally everything he says, especially when he’s being really, really dramatic (s1, s2, s3, etc., etc., and bloody *^#@#%-ing etc.), then Mitch will not become a movie star (s)!mathThere was one equation that did work out that summer: A really cute girl named Kelle moved into the house down the hill from our backyard, put on a bikini, and laid out to get a tan (p1, p2, p3). I spotted her, did a quadruple take, and instantly turned on the teenage guy version of the charmingly witty paperboy routine that had won me so many new subscribers (rrrrrrr), and she eventually signed up to be my first real girlfriend…

(q)!

My Real Memoir is a series. To read the next one, click here.

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
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26 Responses to If-Then: My Teenage Equation

  1. Pingback: Rebel Without Applause | Mitch Teemley

  2. Mike U. says:

    Delightful stuff, Mitch! This had me cracking up! Well done! 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Can anyone else in the universe have this much fun with algebra!?

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you for the Tuesday smiles, Mitch!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Algebra and a girl well formulated. 🤣🤣

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Thanks for the chuckle. I had a few of these equations as well. If Uwe is fourteen when I am seven, meaning he is twice my age, he will be twenty when I am ten. True?

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Kelle must have been a welcome distraction from your algebra homework that summer. I’m guessing you didn’t introduce yourself to her wearing your manly mustache!

    Liked by 4 people

  8. #hood says:

    a high school with 4 year olds

    Liked by 1 person

  9. An Audience of One says:

    I can’t think of a good comment because I’m too busy giggling. But such fun reading this!

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Bet the audience had no idea “Twelve Angry Men” was actually a comedy! Bravo!!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Discover and Explore says:

    You had me at bikini

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Pingback: The Most Memorable Year of My Life | Mitch Teemley

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