Celebrating My Weirdness

Photo by Quinn Buffing (unsplash.com)
Photo by Quinn Buffing

I have a love-hate relationship with my quirks. The feral ones that creep in through unpatched cracks embarrass me. On the other hand, there are the quirks I’ve consciously adopted and trained to do clever tricks. I’m actually kind of proud of those, but still a bit embarrassed because, well, they’re weird.

Case in point: I’ve been home for some time to an uninvited guest I call “Ben” (benign prostatic hyperplasia). This enlarged prostate condition makes his home in virtually all men at some point after the age of forty, resulting in perpetual pee-pee problems. Many a manly man stands at the commode night after night, muttering, “Come on, Junior, please, make Papa proud.”

So I began experimenting with remedies, and one day discovered that if I walked around swinging my arms like John Wayne, it seemed to help. And then, if I did it a second time, Ben would graciously allow me to micturate enough to make it all the way through an entire episode of Rings of Power! But this was problematic in public. So, like a bad mime, I began walking in place in bathroom stalls–and it worked! I immediately switched from the John Wayne Walk to what I came to know as the Pee-Pee Dance!

Meanwhile, as the result of a rather spectacular unplanned triple toe loop, I now have another unwanted visitor: pain that radiates from my hip to my knee to my ankle, even (you guessed it) when I jog in the loo. Official therapy has provided only minimal relief.

So on a particularly bad day last month, I silently prayed for help. A moment later the impulse came to gyrate with my feet firmly in place like a bad Elvis impersonator. Amazingly, I felt instant relief, and quickly adopted the Bad Elvis technique as my new therapy.

And then—because God, it seems, rather likes our weirdness—I discovered the Bad Elvis technique actually produces the same results as the Pee-Pee Dance–and doubles as therapy for my hip! Happy Ben + happy hip = happy me. Yes, it’s ridiculous. And embarrassing. And yet I’m absurdly proud of it. Oh, and…

Very grateful.

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Humor, Memoir and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

43 Responses to Celebrating My Weirdness

  1. G.W. says:

    Wow! Which has not in any way stunted your inventive mind. Do you think you could make a video of the dance that we less inventive souls could practice, Mitch? (Asking for a friend).

    Liked by 6 people

    • mitchteemley says:

      ;>) Hmm, it could just go big on Tik-Tok. Meanwhile here’s the official choreography: with feet planted firmly, swing from one hip to the other (opposing knee comes forward when you do this) while moving arms in opposition. That’s it. Singing along is optional. “Well, it’s one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready now GO, CAT, GO!” seems appropriate.

      Liked by 5 people

  2. C.A. Post says:

    Okay, like GW, I would like to see a video! We others who have problems with Ben would appreciate a “training video” on the Elvis Pelvis (sounds better than Bad Elvis) as well as the differences from the JW Walk and the PP-Dance.
    Maybe you could organize a PP Dance-Off one day!? 😎
    ❤️&🙏, c.a.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Laughing so hard, I’m dancing trying not to… well, you know…

    Liked by 6 people

  4. Abe Austin says:

    Your capacity for humor knows no bounds! Glad to hear you’ve been finding some much-needed relief!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Todd R says:

    On a scale of 1 to 10, urinate. Funny post!

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I’m sorry but I roared all through this. 😂 You’re hilarious!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I have a restroom quirk for centrifugally-forcing blood circulation back into my blue-white icy deadfinger if I smack it (or my hands get cold ..6 mos. of the year), but winding one’s arm in a full circle with fingers extended over & over can’t be done in a stall without smashing ones knuckles, so it’s always a gamble to do it out there where anyone could walk in on it. I guess one could call it Bad Elvis, too.. 🤔 if one had to?

    Liked by 2 people

  8. The things we do to find relief 😀 😀 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Paula Light says:

    Hey, whatever works! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  10. You do what ya gotta do!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Your “weirdness” provided laughter from beginning to end, and through the comments. Thanks for being your hilarious self.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Ha! Ha! I do a dance so I don’t go!

    Liked by 3 people

  13. kerbey says:

    The things we discover out of necessity. On the other side, I had a fibroid this year that squished the bladder and wouldn’t let me go AT ALL. I only WISH I could have Elvis Danced my way out of it.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. murisopsis says:

    I was sitting next to my husband (who was on a serious call with his financial consultant) while I read this post. I was trying (and based on my husband’s glare), failing to stifle my laughter. Mitch your weirdness is wonderful and your delivery perfect (obviously honed from your middle school stand-up days). Sparky hasn’t been doing any dancing. His issues regarding his Colo-gard test kit however have comedic potential… but I’ve been sworn to secrecy!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Awesome post! So, so funny, and so cool that the Bad Elvis technique works!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. You are wonderful and vulnerable – not weird. AND that takes a lot of courage! Great, great post!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I don’t know why but I kept smiling while reading this post. It will get better 👍

    Thanks for sharing 🙌🏽

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I have to try that hip thing. It will either relieve my sciatica or send me to the ER. Look for updates.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Hey, I featured a quote of yours in my blog today. Just thought you might want to check it out. https://bensbitterblog.com/2022/10/21/bitter-reviews-of-bbb/

    Liked by 1 person

  20. poetisatinta says:

    Just Brilliant! I am visualising you gyrating now 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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