It hasn’t been a funny week. In fact, for some of my family it’s been a heartbreaking week. My first thought was to post something comforting. But then I remembered how much humor has consoled me during unbearable times. So, for those I love, and anyone else who simply needs a laugh, here are some funny, quirky, very human status updates.
Click on any image to enlarge it, or to begin slide show. (P.S. Don’t miss the additional quotes after the pics)
More:
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I just discovered the purpose of shinbones: They’re devices for finding furniture in a dark room.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
To err is human. To arr is pirate.
I feel like getting something done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes…
Tip of the week: When going through airport customs and the TSA agent asks, “Do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply, “What do you need?”
I just read a list titled “100 Things to Do Before You Die.” I’m pretty surprised “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I have an oven with a “stop time” button. It’s probably meant to be “stop timer,” but I don’t touch it, just in case.
When a fly or small bug lands on your computer screen, has your first reaction ever been to try and scare it with the cursor?
People think I’m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).
If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated,” maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single.”
I used to be good at sports. Then I realized that I could buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
“Dammit I’m mad” is spelled the same way backwards. Think about it.
Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come On, Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.
Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.
If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.
Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.
2020: We aren’t allowed to go out in public. 2022: We can’t afford to go out in public.
Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.
♥
Like this:
Like Loading...
Related
About mitchteemley
Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
Mitch Teemley 
You are a man after my own heart. I truly believe that the only way to get through the mire and muck of life, is to laugh. If we lose the ability to chuckle, the light disappears from our very being.
LikeLiked by 6 people
Oh, what a selection, Mitch. Thank you for your efforts to bring so much laughter into this world.
LikeLiked by 2 people
My pleasure, truly, Erika. Have a great weekend!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, Mitch, and you too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
🤣🤣🤣🤣 Oh man, Mitch! Needed a good laugh this morning and you gave me several. Passing this on to the whole fam. Thanks!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sooo glad I was finished with my coffee! I did not need it squirting out of my nose … again. 😂😂😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
;>)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like the tiny hawk. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
2 weeks ago I told the dental assistant that when her face was 2″ from mine it had taken ALL my strength not to stare into her eyes, just to freak her out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
My friend I really needed a good laugh this morning which is online what I’ve always told you about yourself—-you need help (LOL) Blessings and Peace!
LikeLiked by 1 person
;>) You too, Claudia!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LikeLiked by 1 person
How do you decide between ‘funny’ and ‘truth’? No problem, they all are.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nothing like a ‘laughing-so hard-I-nearly-choke-on-my-bagel’ laugh! Thanks, Mitch 😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
;>)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Humor is very comforting! And is something we can all enjoy!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hello Mitch
Wonderful stuff thank you. As regards “Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.”
I not sure this always applies to my wife!
Kind regards
LikeLiked by 1 person