50 Funny, Quirky and Very Human Status Updates

It hasn’t been a funny week. In fact, for some of my family it’s been a heartbreaking week. My first thought was to post something comforting. But then I remembered how much humor has consoled me during unbearable times. So, for those I love, and anyone else who simply needs a laugh, here are some funny, quirky, very human status updates.

Click on any image to enlarge it, or to begin slide show. (P.S. Don’t miss the additional quotes after the pics)


I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I just discovered the purpose of shinbones: They’re devices for finding furniture in a dark room.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?

I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

To err is human. To arr is pirate.

I feel like getting something done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes…

Tip of the week: When going through airport customs and the TSA agent asks, “Do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply, “What do you need?”

I just read a list titled “100 Things to Do Before You Die.” I’m pretty surprised “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

I have an oven with a “stop time” button. It’s probably meant to be “stop timer,” but I don’t touch it, just in case.

When a fly or small bug lands on your computer screen, has your first reaction ever been to try and scare it with the cursor?

People think I’m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).

If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated,” maybe you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single.”

I used to be good at sports. Then I realized that I could buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

“Dammit I’m mad” is spelled the same way backwards. Think about it.

Ever since it’s been brought to my attention that you can say Covid 19 to the tune of, Come On, Eileen, I’ve been unable to read it any other way.

Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

Son: “Dad, there’s a monster in my room, can I sleep in here?” Dad: Look, it’s you he’s after, why make it my problem too.

2020: We aren’t allowed to go out in public. 2022: We can’t afford to go out in public.

Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Humor, Popular Culture & Entertainment, Quips and Quotes and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to 50 Funny, Quirky and Very Human Status Updates

  1. atimetoshare.me says:

    You are a man after my own heart. I truly believe that the only way to get through the mire and muck of life, is to laugh. If we lose the ability to chuckle, the light disappears from our very being.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. Erika says:

    Oh, what a selection, Mitch. Thank you for your efforts to bring so much laughter into this world.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Oh man, Mitch! Needed a good laugh this morning and you gave me several. Passing this on to the whole fam. Thanks!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. C.A. Post says:

    Sooo glad I was finished with my coffee! I did not need it squirting out of my nose … again. 😂😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ejstoo says:

    I like the tiny hawk. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  6. leendadll says:

    2 weeks ago I told the dental assistant that when her face was 2″ from mine it had taken ALL my strength not to stare into her eyes, just to freak her out.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. c.f. leach says:

    My friend I really needed a good laugh this morning which is online what I’ve always told you about yourself—-you need help (LOL) Blessings and Peace!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Jack Gator says:

    How do you decide between ‘funny’ and ‘truth’? No problem, they all are.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Nancy Richy says:

    Nothing like a ‘laughing-so hard-I-nearly-choke-on-my-bagel’ laugh! Thanks, Mitch 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Ann Coleman says:

    Humor is very comforting! And is something we can all enjoy!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hello Mitch

    Wonderful stuff thank you. As regards “Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.”

    I not sure this always applies to my wife!

    Kind regards

    Liked by 1 person

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