My Life Without Opposable Thumbs

'What the...' (pinterest.com)

I’ve had persistent left thumb pain for a month. But before rushing to see a specialist, I figured I should try resolving the issue myself. So I began avoiding using my left thumb–no easy task. Finally, a few days ago I took an all-out approach and started using my left hand as if it had no thumb. Result? It feels much better. But only as long as I completely avoid using it. I can’t help but wonder what will happen if I keep this up. Here’s one possible outcome:

  • Journal, Day 26 – So, it turns out it’s easier to do everything fingers-only if I do so with both hands. I’m actually quite proud of how adept I’ve become at accomplishing tasks without opposable thumbs.
  • Journal, Day 43 – My left thumb seems to be healed. But I find I actually like, no prefer, doing things this way. Why did I ever think I needed opposable thumbs?  
  • Journal, Day 67 – More and more, I enjoy using my knuckles when I walk. It’s so satisfying to get around this way. In addition, my arms are much stronger now, so I frequently choose to swing rather than walk from place to place.
  • Journal, Day 89 – I’ve started sleeping in the tree outside. I find human beds, I mean, my bed (?) so restrictive. The tree limbs cradle me gently. Plus, there are lots of tasty things crawling in the branches — yoo-oo-oo-oo should join me-ee-ee-ee!
  • Journal, Day 106 – Mitch’s wife here. The neighbors were complaining about him breaking their tree limbs and staring in their second-storey windows. Plus, he doesn’t talk or wear clothes anymore, so I … I’m sorry, this is hard for me … I finally had to call the zoo.
  • Journal, Day 237 – Mitch has been proclaimed a new species, “Troglodytus ex-humanus mitchelli.” He’s being studied intensely, and is in the headlines daily. Which seems to make him happy. He always did like attention.

Back to the present. Of course, things might not go this way. Still, consider yourself warned. If you have a persistent condition, see a professional! Unless, you know…

You’re really, really fond of bananas.

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
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52 Responses to My Life Without Opposable Thumbs

  1. ejstoo says:

    Funny 🙂 Kidding aside, could be carpal tunnel? or the variation for thumbs? Also possibly arthritis? Could also be a sprain.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. What a hoot. I have the condition in both thumbs but see no need to go into trees. I’m sure my neighbors would shoot me if I did, Loved the story, Mitch.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You are a funny, funny man, Mitch. And some of the things you write are funny, too! ;-). Thanks for a good morning chuckle.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. If you don’t have thumbs, how do you press the space bar on the keyboard? Must have taken a lot of time to type without a usable thumb.

    and if your doctor can’t fix your thumbs, come over to my shop – likely just a lose screw or a bolt that needs to be replaced, a little glue … I’m sure I could fix you up. 😉

    Liked by 5 people

  5. Bonnie Rae says:

    Hysterical. Thanks for the LOL today.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. A deep bruise? I’m glad it’s feeling better. Perhaps you are ambidextrous. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Not to make light of your pain, but this was really, really funny.

    Liked by 4 people

  8. It’s so refreshing when someone spins gold out of semi-misery. Here’s hoping you’re right handed.

    Wonder whether Andrew also fixes shoulders.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Now this makes me smile..

    Liked by 2 people

  10. revruss1220 says:

    Hilarious! So what do you think… would the lack of opposable thumbs get me out of mowing the lawn? If so, I’m all in!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. numrhood says:

    where’s journal day 61

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Uncoffined says:

    Try applying heat to help mend it, even holding a hot cup of tea would work wonders, once it’s warmed up, try moving it slowly, but don’t force it.
    Try to keep that hand warm, a cold winter won’t be helping the situation.
    (This message is brought to you from a guy that couldn’t get to a physiotherapist, so they treated a sprain via Google)

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Chioma says:

    😂😂😂😂😂
    You had me at “…walking on my knuckles” but the “Troglodytus ex-humanus mitchelli” is still the crazy part😂

    Thank you

    Liked by 2 people

  14. murisopsis says:

    Hehehe! Thanks for the chuckle!

    Liked by 2 people

  15. robertcday says:

    Mitch, you should … oh, wait a minute – is this humour?

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Too funny. Pure humour without swearing or putting other people down. Loved it!
    Hands up all your followers who are going to try a day without using their thumbs. Having just folded a fitted sheet, I can tell them it didn’t work for me.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. mickmar21 says:

    I am thumbist and reject all that endorse thumbs as they are a sign of …. something that triggered me.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. I do eat a banana every day, so I may already be headed down the same hilarious trail.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. scribelady says:

    Thanks for the humor. Glad you can find humor in pain. Maybe I could take some lessons???

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Hey Mitch, to CliffsNotes your amusing, amazing transformation; at some point in your life’s journey; between your Monkey Bars playground departure and arrival at your local Zoo’s Monkey House, you parlayed this painful chapter of your memoirs into a monkeyshines-filled, hilarious narrative; one that no honest critic would dare throw a monkey wrench into. Have you approached Micky Dolenz and Michael Nesmith yet. Considering these X-Monkees’ Tinseltown connections, and there being no need for any additional monkeying around (revisions wise), who knows where this could lead, right?

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Thanks for the smile. Love it.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Pingback: My Life Without Opposable Thumbs – CYBERWATCH

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