“This is my house, and I have to defend it!”
~Kevin McCallister (Home Alone).
Last weekend, while blowing leaves into pleasant little piles, I was assaulted by a group of mini-kamikazes known as yellow jackets! A week later, I was still treating my arm for the itching hives left by three tiny warriors who simply wouldn’t let go of my arm. After smacking them multiple times, while screaming like a high-strung goat, I finally managed to crush them en masse.
Sure, I respect their laugh-in-the-face-of-death tenacity, but this is my house (and my body) and I have to protect it! So I did some research. It turns out yellow jackets, who are sometimes mistaken for benevolent bees, are quite the opposite. In fact, they often attack bees and wipe out entire hives. But they hate fall weather, when the bees begin to hibernate. So they work out their anger issues by causing hives–on humans!
Last night, my wife and I waited until dark, when they’d retreated to their underground headquarters to plot world domination (starting with our house). And then, as she pointed a flashlight at their den entrance, I got down and covered it with a heavy glass bowl. Almost instantly, they began flying up into the bowl. Trapped!
“Hah-hah!” I shouted. “Die, you evil, bee-eating–!”
“Uh, honey…” my wife interrupted.
“What?”
“They’re flying out from under the edges!”
“Nooooooooo!” I shouted as she and I whacked them off my hoody. We ran into the house, screaming a two-goat duet.
Safe, right?
Wrong. The moment we got inside, I felt needles piercing me in multiple places. As I ripped off my hoody, three flew out from inside it. Trudy grabbed the fly swatter and began chasing them down. I began stripping, sans pole and mirror ball, hurling my clothes to the floor (not very sexy). I peeled off my pants; four flew out of the pantlegs. I pried two off my throbbing neck, and threw them to the ground, delivering hot death.
“We die in battle to live in Valhalla!” their tiny warrior voices exulted.
But what was it with my ankles? I peeled off my socks and found three yellow jackets anchored there. Unlike bees, yellow jackets sting over and over again. Clinging with barbed feet, like reverse vampires they deliver as much venom to their victims as they can before being physically pried away!
My ankles and neck stung like &@!#*&%*! Once we were pretty sure we’d hunted down and killed the last of them (Trudy found still more in my discarded t-shirt, pants, and hoody), I treated my wounds with ice, antihistamines, and Netflix. And then I did research.
Tonight, the battle resumes. I found several useful tips, but as always, my primary source is the world’s leading expert on home defense, Kevin McCallister.
Mitch Teemley 
I hope you’re feeling better, Mitch. That yellow jacket attack sounds dreadful, although you did write about it in the most amusing fashion, complete with images I can’t unsee. 😉
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Mitch, what were you thinking? A good insect killer will kill them. I shared this with my daughter over the phone and she loved it. She is allergic to yellow jackets and has to carry an epi pen with her. She says if she finds them she sprays them from a good distance or gets her husband to do it.
Lucky you are not allergic or it would have been your last day and we wouldn’t have gotten this fun blog that gave me my laugh for the day!
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Now I have TWO reasons for being glad yesterday wasn’t my last day on earth. Thanks!
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🤣 Hahaha! You’re funny! But not the situation, OMG! 😳
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So sorry, man. That sounds terrible!
Just curious… which one of the Kevin booby traps are you going to try first? Maybe the ice in the stairs? Perhaps the red hot doorknob?
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I’m thinkin’ maybe the tarantula. I hear they like spicy food.
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Be careful or they might escalate and bring in the murder hornets. I suggest a massive air strike followed by an hour of artillery before assaulting under a heavy smoke screen. You might want to consider hornet proof clothes and long poles with giant flyswatter things attached.
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Thanks for the suggestions, Andrew. I’ll contact the Pentagon immediately!
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It’s a shame we live so far apart from each other. My husband is a wonderful warrior against the mighty yellow jackets. Early morning, Lots of netting and gloves, lots of hornet spray, and a tool to pry them off a property or crush them–or both.
Have you considered an early morning outing (with bridal netting from the fabric store) to pour some gasoline down the hole and light a match?
I’m surely not a safety expert, but my husband swears by the method.
God bless, Mitch!
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Hmmm, gasoline. I’ll definitely consider it. Thanks, Nancy!
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This is the stuff of nightmares! I’m with Andrew, this calls for heavy artillery. And definitely, be on the lookout for Murder Hornets!
My husband, my stepdaughter, and my daughter are all deathly allergic to the sting of bees, wasps, and hornets. Everybody carries an epipen, and when flying stinging insects make their appearance, it’s MOM to the rescue!
There’s just one problem: I am deathly allergic to the pesticide sprays that kill the flying stingers!
But I spray the buggers anyway, because that’s what moms do.
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You’re a superhero in training, Linda.
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Nope, just a mom.
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A farmers trick, passed on for generations I suspect, is to make sure the kids overhear the whereabouts of a nasty nest of bees. It’s like putting up a “wet paint” sign. Then you get out the medicines and extra cans of bee spray (and possibly epi pens). The bees will be gone and the kids…well they catch on after the 3rd time. We of course didn’t pass that on to our kids.
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Hmm, so, offer them to the wasp god?
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In a round about way, followed by a teaching session on learning lessons from life’s choices.
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Looks like yellowjackets are a wasp. I think their stings are the worst. I’ve taken hundreds of macro photos of bees and they never bother me. I did get a bee sting on my leg exiting a park, he got up under the edge of my shorts. But his sting was nothing like you describe. Yikes!!
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Yes, they’re wasps, and they have one of the worst wasp stings due to their pattern of repeated stinging.
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Mitch, I’ve had horrible run ins with those nasty things. I was once mowing the lawn when one nailed me on my knee. It felt like me entire leg was wrapped in liquid fire, and I’m pretty sure I managed to levitate my way inside, where I stripped off my shorts and dealt death to the winged evil that was peeling the skin off my knee. If it wasn’t for the fact that I know for a fact he is incapable of creation, I’d swear Satan created yellow jackets.
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Yup.
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What a nightmare. Hope you get the pain and itch under control.
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Getting there. Thanks, V.J.
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So sorry Mitch for the stinging success of the yellow jackets (no fun for you!) Hope the pain goes away soon…and that your battle wages success the next go round!
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Thanks, Virginia.
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Don’t mess with Mother Nature.
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We have issues with yellow jackets every year. Despite pest control coming and spraying they return. Definitely wondering the purpose for these creatures. Feel better!
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Thanks, Sharon!
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Hope you’re ok now. Despite the painful experience, this is such a fun post. I could actually imagine the entire scene. 😀. The yellow jackets sound like a ‘mean’ enemy.
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Well, Mitch. We both had waspy weeks. Sorry. Mine involved less pain but more internal conflict…
https://godcomesby.com/2020/10/11/nature-red-in-tooth-and-claw/ These dialectics really sting sometimes….
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Ohh boy! they are fierce, tenacious, and completely fearless defenders of their hive. I contend with them every late summer/ early autumn, the initial sting, the ache then the persistent itch. I try to give the entrance a wide berth but have to mow – using the trimmer seems to be the best as I’m around 6′ away and the vibration not as disturbing to them. I feel you
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Exactly, Jeff! I’m in the persistent itch stage now–big time.
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I am so sorry, Mitch! Do you have a pest control service that can get rid of them for you?
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Thanks, Ann. No, but we’ve got a plan.
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Is it bad if this me laugh out loud?! Hahaha! Honestly, I am so sorry for all your bites and pain!! But, what a fantastic story!! I sure hope you can get those buggers!!
P
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Thanks, P!
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Oh, my. That was hilarious and terrifying at the same time! Eeeeeee! Hahahahaa! Eeeeee!
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I have fought this battle in my yard a couple of times. You need to go out at the very crack of dawn, before they stir awake for the day, and spray hornet killer into the nest, then cover it with a large rock or something else that leaves no opening.
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Thanks for the tip!
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So how did it go Mitch? Did you see them them off or leave the country?
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After dark (when they’re inactive) we shot some bug spray into their entrance hole, then plopped a large cement paver down on top of it and covered it with dirt. Kinda creepy: it looks like a small gravesite. And, in a sense, that’s just what it is.
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Oh no, that sounds painful Mitch. I read about someone who used a torch of some sort to burn them out of their underground home and started a major fire. I hope your latest idea worked. My grandson has never been stung but is petrified of them.
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Nasty stings, for sure, plus a week of itching. We waited till evening when they were inside their hole in the ground, then bug-sprayed the entrance, slammed a big rock down on it, and covered it with dirt to seal the spaces between the rock and the ground around it. Seems to have worked.
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