I Hate Masks!

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Note: Not an actual picture of me at a restaurant, but a very close facsimile.*

Last Sunday, my wife and I ate in the fabled part of a restaurant known as “Inside.” Except for while we were actually eating (the intake of “food” requiring access to a facial orifice called a “mouth”) we wore our DYSC (Die You Stupid Coronavirus) masks.

And then we went to an even more exotic place, an art museum–one of those “Indoor” kind! And as requested, we wore our DYSC masks the entire time. All told, we had the cursed Alien facehuggers on for at least four hours.

And I hated it!

I have an aversion to discomfort. It probably has something to do with my OCD or my ADHD. Or maybe my PTBCD (Preferring to be Comfortable Disorder). Also, my nose runs when I wear my DYSC mask. Which means I sniffle non-stop, creating embarrassing little wet spots and obscuring how otherwise jaunty I look in the mask.

I’m not alone. Other people hate them too. Women, yes. But especially manly men like me. In fact, only about 29% of men are choosing to wear the masks. And, hey, I hear you, dudes! Except that, ironically, more men are dying from COVID 19 than women. Oh, and even if you are as immortal as you think you are…

It’s not about you, chucklehead! (I’ve always wanted to use that word.) Whether or not you know it, there’s a real possibility you’re carrying the virus and spreading it to others, who are spreading it to others… Some of whom will die. Come to think of it, “chucklehead” is way too cute a term for a person who would do something like that.

So, here’s the deal: I’ll wear a DYSC mask so you don’t die, and I would really appreciate it if you wear one so don’t die. Deal? Oh, and (bonus point if you figured this out) the more we wear the nasty things now, the sooner the freaking virus will die (instead of us)…

And we can finally take them off!

*When I googled “facehugger” I discovered some enterprising entrepreneurs are actually selling “Alien facehugger” coronavirus masks online!

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

86 Responses to I Hate Masks!

  1. Reblogged this on A Blog About Healing From PTSD and commented:
    AWESOME!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Precious One says:

    😂😂this is good, Mitch. A reminder that although we hate this DYSC mask, it’s not about us – but those around 👊🏽

    Liked by 3 people

  3. PTBCD, Yes and Amen! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Readers:
    If surgeons can wear their masks for, sometimes, even 15 hours to help their patients, a few minutes in a grocery or in a restaurant, masked, seems a small task. Don’t you think?
    Blessings, A 75 year old with concern

    Liked by 8 people

  5. I might add that the moment I put on a mask, my nose itches. :/ And it’s REALLY hard to open those plastic bags in produce without licking your fingers first! I feel idiotic standing there struggling to get a bag for my green beans … But I digress …
    I was wearing a mask and being told by a non-mask-wearer (allegedly Christian) that I was probably not getting enough oxygen, and that the mask was not good for me. My response was that it wasn’t about ME, and that we are called to put the welfare of others before our own. I know that some people believe the whole thing is a hoax, and if they are ready to bet their lives on it, that’s up to them. But to be willing to bet MY life on it … not very Christ-like.

    Liked by 3 people

    • HAT says:

      Yes! Especially about produce bags, sister! (I have found that it helps to pick up a vegetable first, because often they have been misted.)

      Liked by 3 people

    • You go girl! It seems like the only people who get heard today are the ones arguing about why they shouldn’t HAVE to do something. And they’re always the loudest! It’s time for us who are trying to do right to counter them. Then we can just walk away. I had a discussion with a woman in a group study about discernment and judgement. I was tired & I had heard her thoughts – twice! So I just quit discussing it. She said, “Well, I still believe….” I just said, “That’s fine. I’ll let you.” Sometimes it’s not a matter of substantiating or proving your belief, and it’s absolutely fine to say you disagree and why. It’s often okay to not think the same. The mask issue isn’t one of them, but sometimes you get tired of the kid in class who’s telling another kid to be quiet being the louder one of the two!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Eliza Ayres says:

    Masks don’t prevent infection, especially from viruses… listen to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru7egBTOxB8&t=937s

    Like

    • revruss1220 says:

      I listened. This is totally bogus, disease-enabling nonsense. Please pay it no heed.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Eliza Ayres says:

        And I suppose you’re a doctor. You can’t ‘catch’ a virus. Do your own research and stop watching television.

        Like

    • mitchteemley says:

      Choosing to believe a minority opinion when it doesn’t affect anyone else is one thing, Eliza. Choosing to believe it when–if you’re wrong–others could die is another.

      Liked by 3 people

      • Eliza Ayres says:

        Physicians have said the same thing. Sorry you and some of your followers believe the media. I’m not going to follow your blog any more.

        Like

      • Eliza Ayres says:

        I don’t ‘believe’. I know. And if my comments offend you and your followers, kindly remove them. I will not be one of them anymore. You have attacked me personally with this comment. I am an empath and feel the energy. Good-bye.

        Liked by 1 person

      • mitchteemley says:

        I’m not in the least offended, Eliza, but I’m genuinely sorry I’ve offended you. Please know that I haven’t attacked you personally, only the belief that coronavirus is a scam. It is a belief, and not just a media thing. I personally know people who’ve died from it and many others whose friends or family members have died. It’s only considered invalid by a tiny percentage of doctors (I can find nothing about a Dr. Kelly Victory online anywhere except this video, btw). Whereas literally all major medical organizations, along with the vast majority of physicians and medical researchers worldwide consider it a devastating pandemic that will not stop on its own–as is being demonstrated by the increasing number of infections and deaths every day.

        Liked by 2 people

  7. revruss1220 says:

    Seriously? Only 29% of men wear masks? I think I’d go with something a little stronger than “chuckleheads” personally.
    Why does it seem as if this whole, “It’s not for YOU, it’s for OTHERS” concept still seems so foreign to us?

    Liked by 4 people

  8. I love your acronyms!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Jane Tawel says:

    Preach it! Word! Thanks for writing and posting this. A great combination of your humor and the seriousness with which we all need to take this thing — and each other. Bravo.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Paula Light says:

    Yep, same. Hate them… allergies make me stuffy already. But I wear one 😍

    Liked by 3 people

    • I have been allergic most of my life and have gotten used to being a little congested all the time. When adding a mask, suddenly I do notice the congestion. I find that if I take a decongestant like Sudafed an hour or so before I’m going to wear the mask for a while (like church) it helps.

      Liked by 2 people

  11. I swear. I never wear them anymore, I just don’t care

    Like

  12. Ann Coleman says:

    Exactly! I hate them too, but it’s better than staying home all the time. Masks make it safe for us to go out and for the economy to run on at least a limited basis. And I sure don’t want to run the risk of spreading a potentially deadly virus.

    Liked by 3 people

  13. maylynno says:

    Who doesn’t hate masks?! But it is necessary.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Thanks for sharing this. I got a good out-loud laugh from your humor woven throughout. Laughter is good medicine. You provided me a dose today!

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Bill Sweeney says:

    PTBCD – Hilarious 🙂 I have that, too. I HATE wearing my breathing mask 24/7, but I am not ready to check out yet so… She tries not to go out in public, but the few times she has, Mary wears a mask because she’s afraid to bring COVID home to me and her 87-year-old mother.

    Liked by 3 people

  16. Clever Girl says:

    Wow, that face mask. Creepy, but I like it. I’m with you, masks are annoyingly uncomfortable. Do they really work? Questionable.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. You have a truly awesome mask!
    One young man said that masks are making it difficult to meet young ladies.
    How can you know if a lady likes you, If you can’t see the full expression on her face?
    Is she smiling at you underneath the mask or grimacing?
    He decided it would be best to simply stand 6 feet away and politely say — “If you like me, let me know. Blink twice.”

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Jay says:

    I don’t wear a mask because I don’t leave the house, but Sean wears one every time, including all 8 hours at work, to try to minimize my risk. So I appreciate all of you who are doing the same.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Another Joe says:

    Excellent post, of course you are directing the choir for the most part. I would like to ask the woman who said you cannot ‘catch’ a virus, did the 10 million confirmed cases worldwide buy their virus load? Is it on Amazon or, maybe, Etsy? I mean no one wants a used one off EBay … Of course I can’t say anything to her because she has poured wax into her ears to block out the evil siren call of science and truth.
    Thanks, Mitch, I am enjoying your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Piano girl says:

    “PTBCD (Preferring to be Comfortable Disorder).” I’m afraid that is me! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Tausha J. says:

    Only you can find a clever way to tell these “chuckleheads” to wear their mask – thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. anne leueen says:

    Bravo! I am not a big fan of masks either but this is not about me and my minor discomforts about mask wearing. There is a bigger picture and you have described that very well.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Sadly, I think we will be wearing them for a long time to come 😣 (persevering face)
    Fortunately I get to work from home (never more grateful than I am right now because I don’t really like working from home). And when I’m not out in fresh open outdoors, I wear my mask. I am eternally grateful for all of those who wear their masks all day long to help serve me and provide provisions for me at the stores. I hope they stay healthy and feel appreciated, because I am FULL of appreciation! 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Kim Petitt says:

    I hate wearing my mask too, I feel suffocated in it.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Salem Andero says:

    😄😄😄😄😄
    A deal Sir.
    That’s the best thing to do as we wait on God to clear what He permitted.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. gpavants says:

    Hi Mitch, I am with you, brother. I did see a man at the gym wearing a plastic face shield. It’s about being able to breath. Hope it will be over soon.

    Thanks,

    Gary

    Liked by 1 person

  27. A. L. Kaplan says:

    Reblogged this on alkaplan and commented:
    None of us like them, but not to wear them is selfish.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Dolly Vas says:

    Sir,I think most people hate masks.
    I am from a village here
    everybody hates masks
    Specially women.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. LaRonda Bourn says:

    My coworker-a 30-something woman who was once surprised that thanksgiving was on a Thursday again-said she wouldn’t wear a mask because “you’re making yourself by breathing your own germs.” 🤦‍♀️Then my daughter-who works for Walmart-actually tested positive for it. We lost two full weeks of my husband’s pay because the retail store he works for is run by Scrooge. We lost most of the next two because he has to pay for the previous two weeks as well as the current two weeks. So we were quarantined for about three weeks, we got about $34 of my husband’s pay, and I guarantee you that this IS NOT the same as the flu! All because someone believed they’d get themselves sick or the government is infringing their rights by wearing a mask. And if my husband or daughter is checking you out, you really, really don’t need to complain about how horrible it is to wear a mask because they do it 40 hours a week! 😖And they’re doing it and so much more to keep you safe. So suck it up Buttercup. (I need a mic 🎤 drop now. And, yes…I’m only talking about “them”, not you 😉.) thanks for the post, Mitch. 👍

    Liked by 1 person

  30. It’s not really that I have a problem with the masks themselves but the way they’re being misused.
    The general public doesn’t really use them properly and nullifies and protective effects. I have even seen people move them aside to cough.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. So far I’ve been able to avoid one. Not that I spend much time in public.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. “Live free or die” does not actually mean I can live free, while you die.

    Liked by 2 people

  33. Lisa T. says:

    They’re actually preventing herd immunity which would cause us to reach a population threshold so the politicians forcing us yo wear them will kill us quicker unless you’ve already had it. I did and survived. It’s not deadly but but weird.

    Like

  34. Would you believe, my mask is covered in Roosters? Sat safe my friend>

    Liked by 1 person

  35. Pandemedium says:

    Great post Mr. Teemley!! I don’t enjoy wearing masks physically. However, after some trial and error, I have found some that are more tolerable than others. I have some anxiety issues, ADHD and exercise induced asthma. It’s probably more mental, but wearing certain masks make me feel claustrophobic like I can’t breathe. I found a N95 mask that has a built in air vent valve that lets out the moisture in your exhales and closes when you inhale. It is much more comfortable as it doesn’t sit on my lips and their is a small gap where it is not directly touching the bottom of my nose. The air outlet really helps me feel like I am not breathing hot stagnant air. Again, this could all be in my mind, but it just works for me. My wife works in the medical field and also got me to wear the regular cheaper mask over the n95 mask as she said the valve could potentially release droplets for those around me. This combo has worked great. I wear the mask yes for my safety, but my primary reason is that I want to have human interaction and I don’t want to unintentionally be the cause of sickness or harm for anyone I encounter. I take this very seriously until we learn more about this horrible virus. I wish more people in my community would as well. Main point is if you are uncomfortable wearing masks like I was at first, don’t give up and find a combo that works for you. Be safe and take care everyone!

    Liked by 1 person

  36. I heard on NPR that some experts are now saying that wearing a mask may not keep you from getting the virus, but it might keep you from inhaling a full viral load… possibly reducing the severity of the disease or rendering it asymptomatic…They are studying countries like Asian countries where mask wearing is widespread… food for thought…. And as a mask-hater, I think of it like a helmet in space… which misery is worse?

    Liked by 1 person

  37. I’ve got a bad habit of chewing my biro in Tesco in between crossing things off my list as I walk round. I keep trying to shove it in my mouth and then remembering that the mask’s there.

    Liked by 1 person

  38. Pingback: In Praise of the Almost-Ordinary | Mitch Teemley

  39. kagould17 says:

    Wearing a mask is the most selfless thing you can do. I wear one whenever I go into a store, so I can make others feel safe. I cringe when I see non wearers come toward me, like I am invisible. When I see another person with a mask, I relax. Love them or hate them, they do reduce “speaking moistly” as our pretty Prime Minister once coined. Stay well, physically distance (practice safe six), wear a mask when you can’t, wash your hands well and often and pray for a treatment or a vaccine.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. I hate masks too lol Thanks for your like of my article, “Honoring The Sabbath;” you are very kind.

    Liked by 1 person

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