Streaming is the thing now, but we haven’t cut the satellite cord yet. Still, it’s time to break up with our current service provider. So hard. Guess I’ll use my usual line, “It’s not you, it’s me” (new customers get better offers). Warning: This “transcript” is, well, slightly exaggerated and a bit rude, but I think it captures the spirit of the thing.
TSP (Television Service Provider): How may I help you?
Me: I’d like to cancel my TV service.
TSP: Are you breaking up with us?
Me: Excuse me?
TSP: May I ask why you’ve decided to discontinue your service?
Me: Well, I had an offer from a competitor that–
Me: Um, I beg your pardon?
TSP: We would like the opportunity to prove we are the superior provider, sir.
Me: But I’ve already–
TSP: We can do things that bitch would never dream of.
Me: I’m sorry?
TSP: If you re-subscribe today, we will promise to beat our competitor’s rates.
Me: Well, you see, they’ve already installed their system, so–
TSP: If you’d notified us in advance, sir, we would have done everything necessary to retain your loyalty.
Me: Yeah, well, sorry, but it’s kind of a done deal.
TSP: Do you know how lucky you are to have been with someone like us?
Me: Well, I didn’t think that–
TSP: We are the fastest growing service provider in your area.
Me: Well, maybe, but–
TSP: I hate you, you selfish son-of-a–
Me: Oh, yeah? Well, the fact is I never loved you! I just told you I did so you’d put out a better signal, babe! Truth is, I always thought you were kinda skanky! And I was ashamed to be seen watching you!
TSP: Excuse me?
TSP: Thank you for calling today, sir.
Me: You’re welcome.
TSP: Rot in hell!
Me: I’m sorry?