Canceling Our TV Service

Streaming is the thing now, but we haven’t cut the satellite cord yet. Still, it’s time to break up with our current service provider. So hard. Guess I’ll use my usual line, “It’s not you, it’s me” (new customers get better offers). Warning: This “transcript” is, well, slightly exaggerated and a bit rude, but I think it captures the spirit of the thing.

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TSP (Television Service Provider): How may I help you?

Me: I’d like to cancel my TV service.

TSP: Are you breaking up with us?

Me: Excuse me?

TSP: May I ask why you’ve decided to discontinue your service?

Me: Well, I had an offer from a competitor that–

TSP: Whore!

Me: Um, I beg your pardon?

TSP: We would like the opportunity to prove we are the superior provider, sir.

Me: But I’ve already–

TSP: We can do things that bitch would never dream of.

Me: I’m sorry?

TSP: If you re-subscribe today, we will promise to beat our competitor’s rates.

Me: Well, you see, they’ve already installed their system, so–

680-03180131erTSP: So you’ve been running around behind our back?

Me: What?

TSP: If you’d notified us in advance, sir, we would have done everything necessary to retain your loyalty.

Me: Yeah, well, sorry, but it’s kind of a done deal.

TSP: Do you know how lucky you are to have been with someone like us?

Me: Well, I didn’t think that–

TSP: We are the fastest growing service provider in your area.

Me: Well, maybe, but–

TSP: I hate you, you selfish son-of-a–

Me: Oh, yeah? Well, the fact is I never loved you! I just told you I did so you’d put out a better signal, babe! Truth is, I always thought you were kinda skanky! And I was ashamed to be seen watching you!

TSP: Excuse me?

imagesMe: I’m sorry, but we’ve decided to go another way.

TSP: Thank you for calling today, sir.

Me: You’re welcome.

TSP: Rot in hell!

Me: I’m sorry?

Dial tone. 

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Humor, Popular Culture & Entertainment, Quips and Quotes and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Canceling Our TV Service

  1. Mel Wild says:

    Ugly divorces are always tough. Be encouraged. You’ll heal in time. 🙂

    Liked by 6 people

  2. barbara runck says:

    Oh this is us all over:offers regarding service come in the mail about every week from our current provider!.Same thing happens every time[‘ that offer is only for new customers”] My response” ” but I am a long time ,bill paying customer, Why not something for me?” No, very frustrating! They “gotcha” Better to try the competition? I don,t know.What do you think? Just give up?

    Liked by 5 people

    • mitchteemley says:

      Apparently the way to get new customers is to offer them deals, and the way to retain old customers is to make it hard for them to leave, while steadily raising their rate–we’re paying for those new customer discounts.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. Ray V. says:

    We just went through a similar experience. Provider kept raising rates while our viewing hours was shrinking. Multiple calls threatening change resulted in tiny discounts, so we switched. We tested the new provider while keeping the old and then cut the cable and got offered everything but the skanky whore to stay with them. They were a day late and a dollar short 🤗

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Candy L says:

    Haha, oh I’ve been there for sure! But a break up much needed it sound like!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I cut my cable bill back in December 2014 after 5 employees assured me that if I paid early using a different account the electronic withdrawal wouldn’t go through. I warned them if it did, it would overdraft. I paid the full amount that included cable, landline phone, and Internet. I immediately cancelled phone and cable. Never got credit for it.

    I paid before the due date. About a week or so later, got an overdraft notice from the other account. I went down the next business day and cancelled Internet long before the due date and made it clear I was cancelling it. I pointed out I had a cable modem from them that I had disconnected. He said no I didn’t and gave some lame excuse it must have been an outdated system which is why it wasn’t showing on his system. Unknown to me, he didn’t cancel my service. As I was paperless with them, the overdue bills went to an account that shouldn’t have been active.

    After two months, they turn it over to a collection agency that never sent me notice about being behind. They stuck a business card on my door demanding the cable modem back. I took it down to the cable company and verified I didn’t owe anything. At this point, it had been turned over to the collection agency and wasn’t in the cable company’s system.

    I only learned this week that they charged for me January and February 2015 as he didn’t disconnect me like he claimed he had. I am in the middle of pursuing action against the cable company as he lied to me. It would be cheaper for me to pay the $143ish owed than it will be for me to fight it, and that’s not counting the time cost of dealing with it which will be over $500 in lost time filling out paperwork with various state and federal agencies. However, I don’t believe in rewarding a company who has employees willing to do this kind of thing. In talking with the billing department the other day, she never acknowledged why he didn’t disconnect me. Instead, it was all about dealing with the collection agency.

    Liked by 2 people

    • mitchteemley says:

      I feel your pain. Corporate systems are often both inefficient and uncaring. And few employees have either the power or the heart to do anything about it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Just wish they had told me back in 2015 as I had the evidence to prove I cancelled close to hand. A lot of harder to find now as I have 5 years worth of stuff to dig through. Now, it’s a matter of filing with government agencies to get them to remove the collection agency problem although in 2 years it should go off on its own.

        They have a great Internet only deal that ends next week and it’s how I found out about the problem. I don’t like playing legal hardball, but there are times when that’s the only way.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Eliza Ayres says:

    Reblogged this on Blue Dragon Journal and commented:
    I cut ties with television back in 2007 and have never regretted it. I’m not subjected to the propaganda relentlessly pushed by the MSM and their talking heads.

    Liked by 4 people

  7. This would be funny if it weren’t so true to life.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Thanks, I needed a few laughs this morning This is clever; not side splitting, but good. Side splitting humor is the toughest thing to write unless you have a “Jonathan Winters mind,” and there are few.

    If I just streamed I would miss too much junk on the cable. I am not sure which has the most junk cable or the WWW. That’s why I read your good, written stuff. It beats the Hades out of 99 per cent of what claims to be entertainment/thought.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Mark Johnson says:

    Breaking up is hard to do:)

    Liked by 1 person

  10. K E Garland says:

    LOL this is very accurate.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. It was a necessary breakup. You’re better off without it 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  12. gpavants says:

    Mitch,

    Sadly, it does feel like that internal ( and infernal) conversation happens like that. What happened to professional decorum?

    Thanks,

    Gary

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I “cut the cord” about 3 years ago and I have not missed having cable a single minute in all of those days. Of course, I am spoiled in that I live in Dallas and can pull in about 40 over-the-air channels with a simple HD antenna. A lot of these channels carry shows that I actually WANT to watch, from back in the 70’s and 80’s. And here’s the kicker … the video quality is actually BETTER with the antenna than it was with cable! I found out as soon as I went to an antenna that my cable company had been throttling m video quality. Made me hate them even more.

    Anyway, I have nothing but internet (nothing but ‘net) now, and I’m as happy as can be. Plus I have saved literally thousands of dollars over the past 3 years not having cable.

    Great post! And good luck with your new provider.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Omatra7 says:

    Lol – hilarious

    I broke up with them all completely a few years ago… crap on… too much money… better options elsewhere lol

    Funny post ✌️

    Liked by 2 people

  15. David Pettus says:

    Been there. Not sure, but the love they Express for me when I try to break up may not be sincere.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Eliza says:

    Oh my gosh. I’m laughing here though. If that is customer service………..

    Liked by 1 person

  17. A big TWO THUMBS UP for this read!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. cat9984 says:

    My husband used to handle that stuff. Now that he’s gone, the current provider is probably safe forever.

    Liked by 1 person

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