I’m a monologist. By which I mean I’m a dedicated one-way communicator. Writing and lecturing come naturally to me. But conversation? Well… Did I mention I’m a monologist?
An old girlfriend once stared at me in disbelief and said, “You live in your head!” My first thought was, No I don’t! Then I went on to ponder that while she talked about other things which, being lost in thought, I never heard.
Flash forward a few decades: My job supervisor asked for a self-assessment. “Well,” I said, “I kind of live in my head.”
“Kind of?!” he guffawed. I guess that kind of confirmed it.
I’ve known for a long time that my Achilles heel was conversation. It’s not that I don’t understand communication theory. Heck, I’ve taught it at the college level. And I’m a big believer in active listening. It’s just that I kind of suck at it. Instead of saying something, and then waiting for a response, I always seem to go on with my next thought…and my next thought…and my next thought…
Oh, I occasionally listen well. But occasionally isn’t enough. I care about people too much to say, “That’s just the way I am.” I want to demonstrate by my attentiveness that I care about their thoughts, their ideas, their concerns; not just to pick up on some tidbit they toss out and begin monologuing on it!
So I’ve been praying for guidance. Recently, I sensed the need for a prompt, something that would be there every time I entered a conversation. And then an acronym came to mind: TOLL, as in “pay the toll.” It stands for:
- T = Think – Do I need to say something?
- O = One – Say one thing—one thing means one thing! (I focus on this throughout)
- L = Listen – As in actively listen to their response (or ask for one)
- L = Learn – As in learn what they’re thinking, then respond accordingly (i.e. stop at the next “TOLL booth”), and possibly learn something you never would have if you’d stayed in your head! (Thank you Jane Tawel for suggesting this last step.)
Paying the TOLL seems to be making a difference (it should be a bona fide habit by the time I’m on my deathbed). How about you? If you answered “yes” to the title question…
You might want to give it try.
Great! I’ll remember TOL, but, of course, I will jump ahead in my thoughts and try to come up with another L so it can be TOLL, or maybe a D for TOLD, or EDO for TOLEDO, or maybe…
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;>) Yep. “Look,” as in “look for a response,” works pretty well for a second L. But, honestly, once I’m in a conversation I do well just to keep imagining holding up one finger and thinking, “1 thing!”
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Where else would you live if you don’t live in your own head?
And, I guess the same could be said of me!
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Reblogged this on Blue Dragon Journal and commented:
You’re amusing, Mitch. I can carry on a conversation with some people. Start with a mutual interest and then maybe you’ll listen to what they have to say…
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Hauntingly relatable! 🙂
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Many of us live large in our heads!
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reminds me, Jimi Hendrix: “Knowledge speaks; Wisdom listens.” 🙂
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I am a monologist. I have two approaches: 1. Slow down and 2. Knowing I need all the help I can get , I see a Christian therapist twice a month.
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Good plan!
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I tend to live in my head too. I think I need to give your technique a try, thanks for sharing.
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Communicate on, Kim!
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What’s interesting is that my Bachelors is in communication.
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Hey, most people who become psychologists do so because they have emotional issues to work through. Same principal, different field. ;>)
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That’s a great tool to use. I’m all about acronyms. As far as conversationalists go, they seem to be a dying breed.
People could realize that God gave them two ears and one mouth for a reason. TEOM
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Yep!
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haha!
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This is so true ❤️😊
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A group of nuns I spent some time with gathered each day to share thoughts. One would speak and no one responded until several minutes had passed so that everyone had time to ponder what had been said. They spoke one at a time with time in between. A good lesson.
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Hi Mitch how’s it going? Oh never mind.
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;>)
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Nice to know someone I admire so much, you, have similar weaknesses to me. I blame ADHD, but I know I must fight that tendency to not focus on what others are saying to me. I really do want to listen! I can listen better when I’m out on a run with a friend. Happy Thursday!
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Aw, thank you, PK. And, yes, I definitely have ADHD. Happy Thursday to you too!
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Yet another thing we have in common. (Are you my long lost twin brother?) I’m pretty sure I got it from my dad. When he would say, “I don’t remember that …” my mother’s prompt response was always, “That’s because you were talking when you should have been listening.” #ouch!#
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Ouch indeed. That’s me all over, or should I say “under”?
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Good thing to try. I hope it helps! I want to try to listen, compassionate listening, more.
💕💕💕
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Yes! As my friends and family will no doubt attest! BUT – I only mean to be helpful…Yes, I know. When I get to talk to someone again, I intend to at least remember, “One!”
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That’s what I find easiest to remember most of the time too, Martha. And thank you for not robbing the world of your wisdom, by the way–even if it has to come in small doses.
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Boy, oh, boy do I have this problem. Yep. I thought of maybe something — if I could be so bold? In order to actually have your acronym spell TOLL Correctly, (and I love the idea of an easy acronym to help and ideas you have for it) You could add L for Learn — learn one thing from what the other person said, and affirm it by putting it in your own words back to them. ?? Just a thought. Love this post for me especially — thank you. (I tend to talk alot mostly because I think out loud AND that is how I often think I am “giving” to other people in conversation — ugh!) Thanks, Mitch — Jane
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I LOVE the idea of adding “Learn” as the other L in TOLL, Jane. I’d thought of using “Look,” but it’s meaning is pretty close to Listen. I like Learn better!
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Yes, I do live in my head. It’s where all the action is.
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;>)
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Oh yes, I answered “Yes!” as well. T.O.L. is a great idea and, I admit, I’ll have to work at this one before it becomes a habit. 🙄 Thank you, Mitch!
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We’re birds of a feather, Dori.
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‘fraid so… 🤣😅
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Wow! I can use this! I feel like you… know me. It’s comforting but a little frightening. I’m gonna need to ponder this one. 😉
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Thanks, Mitch!!
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This is a great tool! I tend to live in my head and have conversations with myself too. 😬
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You should bottle this and sell it…I feel as if you were just in my head
and saw way too clearly. I am triggered by a word or a phrase that sets
me off on a soliloquy that may or not be related. And now I”m thinking,
there I go again.
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Why does that not surprise me, Sarah? ;>)
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Big Grin!!
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Your suggestion sounds like a great idea! I will try it.
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ok this made me laugh out loud, literally! Conversation is not my thing either. I guess that’s why I enjoy writing. TOLL is a good idea, although I usually prefer to avoid paying tolls when possible. ; )
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;>) Good to hear from you, Janet.
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I’m giggling at paragraph #2. Oh, how I get it! Yes, we’re good at conversation, but not at listening. But we’re learning.
God loves a teachable heart. 🙂
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Mitch,
The Lord made us all different so we could work together. This has bee a time of self-reflection, right? I hear you. It’s easy for me to build lots of quick shallow relationships, but the building lasting ones take time. I see that with my introvert wife. We all are learning how to grow in Christ,
Thank you,
Gary
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Oh yes yes. I did have a problem with this. I overthink my responses and sometimes I get disappointed if the other person won’t take my responses seriously or not get them at all. I had to learn to be more relaxed in conversations when I worked in hospitality.
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Change is hard indeed.
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Oh my it was very hard indeed. But the push was also good for my self-growth 🙂
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