This is my flower bed (or will be once I actually plant some flowers).
This is my backyard deck (yes, hello, I know it needs refinishing).
And this is my lawn (I mowed it yesterday, I swear).
Quick Quiz: What do all three of these have in common? If you answered, “They contain organic, carbon-based substances grown on Earth,” you’re wrong—the deck is coated in non-organic polyurethane (well, OK, it used to be). Also, those spiky little balls (did you notice them?) are not from Earth. They are the cell-pods of an attractive and otherwise harmless-looking alien vegetation called a Sweet Gum tree. Its perfidious pods are commonly referred to as “gum balls” or “spiky balls.” But their correct name is COVID 18.
Note the resemblance to their sister organism, commonly called “*%$#@!-ing virus!”
How to determine if you’ve been infected by COVID 18:
- You can no longer actually see your yard: the cell-pods reproduce at the rate of eight hundred million pods pfm (per frickin’ minute).
- When you step barefoot on one you spontaneously produce a series of sounds along the lines of “*%$#@!-ing pods!”
- When you mow your lawn, the cell-pods, perceiving it as a direct attack, defend themselves by flying violently out from under your mower and striking you in the face, resulting in a distinctive red mark called an Ow-dammit!
There is no cure for COVID 18, aka Spikyballyard Syndrome, but research continues. Some have tried selling them online as decorations, even as Christmas tree ornaments. But I doubt they will sell well this year.
COVID Christmas, anyone?