My Epic Quest for Toilet Paper


Due to the growing pandemic, most public gatherings in our area are cancelled. The public is making a run on local markets in preparation to stay at home. Toilet paper was the first thing to go! It all feels kind of primitive. Here’s my personal report:

Great sick-storm building. Tribe Healer say much cave and hut dweller maybe-sick. Big Spirit angry? (Probably Zug and his stupid boasting.) So we stay away from other maybe-sick tribe people. We stay in cave where nice and cozy. We make shadow pictures on wall, laugh much, pop roasted grubs on fire–my favorite!

But Neema complain she have no meadow grass for to wipe bottom-place-that-follow-her-wherever-she-go. She very clean. Much trouble. But look and smell better than me.

So I put on mammoth fur and go to Great Meadow where is much food and herb. It crazy there! I never see so many tribe people, not just man-warrior, but many feisty woman-warrior, too! All pushing woven basket, gathering small frozen animal to eat later. Meadow grass all gone!

I return to cave with no meadow grass. Neema not happy. So this morning when Big Light appear, I put on mammoth fur and climb to top of Tall Rock. From there I can see Great Meadow. I see more meadow grass–but not much! So I drink hot jitter-weed juice, grab spear and go!

I come to Big Meadow. So much crazy tribe people! All grabbing meadow grass for to wipe bottom-place-that-follow-them-wherever-they-go. Still, I find three bundle and put in my pushing-basket. Then I shake spear, and say, “These mine!” Others say, “Good. Those yours!” We smile. Tribe people not so bad.

I bring home meadow grass and drop on cave floor. Neema make cute face. I like that face. Maybe tonight I get lucky.Β 

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Culture, Humor, Story Power and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

90 Responses to My Epic Quest for Toilet Paper

  1. Pingback: My Epic Quest for Toilet Paper – Poetic Justice

  2. ldtynan says:

    You swap two handfuls of meadow grass for one handful of torn meat?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Zhang Hongbo says:

    Why toilet paper?

    Liked by 1 person

    • mitchteemley says:

      Toilet paper was almost impossible to buy when the pandemic and lockdown first hit the U.S. because people began stocking up on it. It’s still difficult to acquire even now.


  4. K.L. Hale says:


    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: My 10 Biggest Hits of 2020 | Mitch Teemley

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