Dentists: I’ve had temporary crowns put on my broken tooth three times this week; I was told to chew more carefully (the last one fell off while I was eating soup). They told me it would take two weeks for my permanent crown to be ready. I said, “Dude, I’ve been waiting for that crown all my life.” Dental groaner: Q: What’s the best time to go to the dentist? A. 2:30 (think about it).
Aging: I received this message from classmates.com: “Someone remembered you as attractive.” I clicked on the link and read, “Upgrade to find out who!” and I thought, “Wait, I have to pay to find out what old person thinks I’m hot?”
Laundry: It’s touching when an old couple dies within days of one another. Not so much when they’re your washer and dryer.
Auditions (I’m an actor): Casting Director (after audition): “I’m sorry, we’re looking for a different quality.” Actor: “What quality?” Casting Director: “Talent.”
Friends in Swimsuits: It’s embarrassing when my friends post pictures of themselves in bikinis online. And some of them are even women.