Useless Information

You’ll Thank Me Later. Really.

(Click on any picture to enlarge it, or to start slide show)

Special Bonus: Useless (but fun) Advice

“Don’t be sad, because sad is just das spelled backwards.” ~Found online (and, dude, it completely changed my life)

“Marriage is 5% love, 5% compromise, and 90% knowing you’ve already lost the argument so you should just shut up and fold the laundry, Ted…”

“The quickest way to resolve a marital disagreement is to argue naked.”

“If you love someone let them go. If you hate someone let them go. In fact, basically, just let everyone go. People are stupid.”

“People will stop asking you questions if you answer in interpretive dance.”

“When life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them at people.”

“Having a two-year-old is like having a blender with no lid.” ~Jerry Seinfeld

“If you don’t like where you are now, move. You’re not a tree.”

“New Parents: Take a picture of yourself pulling your baby out a spacecraft in the forest. And then hide the picture in the attic for your kid to find when he’s 10.” ~Matt Roller

“Before marrying someone, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service, just to see who they really are.”

“Never get into an argument with some who types faster than you.”

“Red, white, and blue stand for freedom! Except when they’re flashing behind you.”

           “Style comes in all shapes and sizes. Therefore, the bigger you are, the more style you have.” ~Miss Piggy

“Never listen to any piece of advice, not even this one.”

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Humor, Quips and Quotes and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

56 Responses to Useless Information

  1. This was a fun break from the work morning!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Paula Light says:

    These are great! I actually do need the “don’t walk into wall” sign 😂

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I have never seen so many truly hilarious LOLs packed into just one post. I tried to reblog it, but the reblog button is dead. It probably died laughing.

    Thanks, Mitch! 😊😀😁😂😃😄

    Liked by 1 person

  4. On the tag that says, “Always wash your butt,” the instruction below it is even more amusing. I try not to wear clothes that are on fire, even in February.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. TEP336 says:

    Regarding the sign that says, “Don’t Breathe Underwater”. As I recall, this sign is located in a Morale, Welfare, and Recreation building on a Marine base, and was intended for Marines. I’ll just leave that tidbit there. Go Army!

    Liked by 3 people

    • As the wife of a U.S. Marine Corps combat veteran of the war in Vietnam, I have a slightly different take on the “Don’t Breathe Underwater” sign. Marines think they are supermen. And superman can do anything, including breathe under water. 😁

      The years have humbled my husband a bit. Although… sometimes I do think he might be superman. A bullet literally ricocheted off his forehead when he was in Nam. The medic swabbed the wound with iodine, bandaged it, and my husband went right back out on the battlefield, despite having the worst headache of his life.

      After his return to the states, a mugger broke a two by four over my hubby’s head. It didn’t even slow him down, just made him very angry. At which point, the attacker turned tail and ran.

      About six years ago, my hubby was riding his motorcycle on a rural mountainous road, when a big buck came galloping out of the forest and leaped over my husband and his bike, leaving a long scratch across the top of his helmet. And my husband didn’t even go down!

      My USMC hero may not be able to breathe under water. But I do believe he might be able to walk on it. Until the Lord calls him home, he’s both bulletproof and Teflon coated. 💘💘

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I suggested this one to my wife. “The quickest way to resolve a marital disagreement is to argue naked.” She claimed it would be a way for me to win and her to lose.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. SarahC says:

    those are just crazy! Can’t unknow some of that ya know lol?!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. If laughter is the best medicine, now that I’m breathless and my sides are aching, this should be the healthiest day I’ve had in a L-O-N-G time. Thanks!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Nancy Ruegg says:

    I feel so smart right now!

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Julia Pantoga says:

    Laughing so hard I was crying and couldn’t read!

    I am totally going to start saying, “You are not a tree.”

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Julia Pantoga says:

    Laughing so hard I was crying and couldn’t read!

    I am totally going to start saying, “You are not a tree.”

    PS some quirk of WordPress wouldn’t let me post without modifying.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Judy Kim says:

    These are so hilarious, the art of stating the obvious! Thanks for posting these 😄

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I thought I would bust a gut laughing! Unfortunately, in my experience, whenever I come across some ridiculous admonition against doing something incredibly stupid, it was prompted by someone, at some point in time, actually doing it!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. My wife says I know lots of useless information. I’m off to tell her I now have even more useless info.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Beutiflee says:

    Funny. I like the one about slow internet to determine someone’s character

    Liked by 1 person

  16. smzang says:

    I don’t know where you find all these goodies but I’m so glad you do.
    They are good medicine.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. 😂😂😂 oh my goddess what a fun post. I needed this one. Thank you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Reblogged this on The Recovering Legalist and commented:
    I don’t reblog enough, but since I won’t have a good post for Grandparents Day until after Sunday morning’s church service (because I want to include the outline from which I preach, but I don’t want to give anything way right now), this is a great and worthless post to share for now.
    Thanks, Mitch 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Mitch, I found your blog through the lovely Sarah and I am so glad I did. I am still laughing. The move, you are not a tree’ really tickled me. Thanks. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Great stuff as always. The warning sign must have taken you some time to collect. I read the advice and I will have to take one. Argue Naked in any dispute. The laughing will settle whatever the issue may have been. Blessing to you this week.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. cricketmuse says:

    Why do I get the feeling you were bored and decided to go web surfing?

    Liked by 2 people

  22. numrhood says:

    favorite jet li film
    view tonight show with jay
    favorite tito puente song

    Liked by 1 person

  23. CLEvangelism says:

    “Before marrying someone, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service, just to see who they really are.”

    ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
    This weekend, I wound up googling, “Why is my laptop so slow?” I rediscovered that temp file cache. Typing %temp% into my Start bar and deleting all those files prevented me from whipping my laptop out a window like a Frisbee.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. JOY journal says:

    I plan on using the interpretive dance advice someday soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. JT Twissel says:

    Where did you find all these sillies? Made my day! Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. ron877 says:

    This is such a valuable post for me. I teach English as a Second Language and can use one or two of these occasionally as icebreakers. And yes, I will credit your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. laronda65 says:

    1. Knowing a kangaroo has three vaginas really is helpful. It makes me grateful that I only have one. I would get NOTHING done! Especially after my husband finds out he should stop sharing his Viagra with the nursery babies at church and starts keeping them for himself.
    2. As for my nipples lining up with my earlobes, that may have been true at one time, but for the most part, they’ve more closely resembled tether balls. They barely go in the same direction, much less line up with my earlobes! But I’ll be sure to ask my friends.
    3. You do know most of those warnings are there because SOMEONE said, “Why didn’t someone tell me that?!” The rest of them were designed by some smart ass (c’mon! if I’d put asterisks in for s’s, you would have figured it out anyway.) who apparently no one pays attention to but has clearly managed to acquire sufficient power to pull this off anyway.
    4. You can laugh at the diet water, but someone out there will STILL ask if it’s gluten-free, caffeine-free, vegan or if any animals were injured in it’s production. They probably won’t drink it if it comes from a predominantly Republican state either.
    5. Let them lick the bathroom walls if they want to! But you say the walls are dirty? Not anymore. Besides, it makes it easier to identify those who may become a person of interest
    Finally, another piece of good parenting advice from America’s funniest mother, Erma Bombeck: “Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.”

    Liked by 1 person

  28. mmwordsmith says:

    Seen at the Indianapolis Museum of Art: Caution – Radiators are Hot!

    Thanks for reading my post.

    Liked by 2 people

  29. GP Cox says:

    Ah-ha, the signs we live by.
    They’re hilarious!!

    Liked by 1 person

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