When I think of summer, I think of bears. Nearly every summer when I was a kid we’d visit Sequoia National Park, and every visit had its bear absurdities:
Like the bear that broke into a nearby camper’s Volkswagen and sat on the emergency brake. The man heard the racket and peered out of his tent just in time to see the bear “driving” his car downhill into a redwood grove. The bear survived. The bug didn’t.
Or the morning we woke to the sound of the blusterous old lady in the cabin next to us, shrieking, “Bad bear! No!” A huge black bear had decided to shop for groceries in her cooler, so naturally she’d felt the need to discipline him. We came out to see her fearlessly (and stupidly) whacking him on the bum with her broom. The bear continued to fish for goodies with one paw while nonchalantly swatting at her with the other. He finally galumphed away with a tender salmon in his mouth, opting not to eat the much tougher old lady.
Years later, my college buddy Jay and I drove to Sequoia at the start of the summer. We arrived in the wee hours and threw down our sleeping bags in the first cushy meadow we could find. I disappeared into slumberland, but Jay sat for awhile, eating Lay’s potato chips and communing with nature. Around dawn, I awoke to a low grunting sound, and told Jay to shut up. The grunting continued. I opened my eyes and saw a large bear snarfing potato chips from the Jay’s Lays buffet, i.e. the chips scattered across Jay’s sleeping body! I watched in frozen silence. The bear finally left with the bag in his mouth (chip bag, not sleeping bag). To this day, Jay thinks I ate his chips and made up the story.
Bears can be…
Amorous“Not in public, Larry.”
Cool“She’s all ‘Whoa!’ and I’m all ‘How you like me now?'”
DangerousMan: “Look, dinner! Bear: “Look, two dinners!”
Devious“I’m not the droid you’re looking for.”
Nostalgic“If ya want it, baby, ya got it. Just bust a move!”
Parental“Don’t leave the lid up. Mom hates that.”
Embarrassed“This never happens, really. I just slipped on the…oh, never mind.”