Fat Cat

BIG-FAT-CATS-cats-38132243-670-335

Two True Fables: Part One

We didn’t look for cats. They would just show up and say, “I live here now, and you’re going to feed me.” It was a pretty sweet deal, though. They were free, they were cute, and most of them were pretty affectionate.

Except for Fat Cat. Fat Cat avoided us like the mange. But every now and then he would suddenly remember how much he loved us. It was when Mom cooked chicken for dinner.

We ate in the den because we were committed to spending quality time every evening–with the TV.

While Mom loaded our plates onto a tea cart, Dad would pull a gateleg table (made by the same people who built medieval drawbridges) out of the closet. Then he would lift the Formica flaps, activate the 416 interlocking cast iron legs, and voila: the perfect 9,000 pound eating surface from which to view Bonanza.

As soon as we sat down, Fat Cat would adopt his “I love humans sooo much!” look and jump up into Dad’s lap, where he would curl up and (seemingly) fall fast asleep. But seconds later his right front paw would begin to levitate, and as soon as it found the plate would begin fishing for fowl. Splunk. Mashed potatoes. Ew! Shake-a, shake-a. Resume reconnaissance. Then the mission would be cut short by a friendly poke from Dad’s fork. Fat Cat would jump down, deeply offended.

Then he would jump up into Mom’s lap and the ritual would begin again: Lap. Nap. Levitating paw. Fork. Squeak. This would continue until he’d been kicked off every lap in the family, even the dog’s.

After dinner, Mom would roll away the teacart while Dad began closing the 416 gated legs and lowering the drawbridge flaps.

As the only child, my job was to supervise. One particular night, while Dad was carrying the hulking table toward the closet, I spotted an aberration: four extra legs. Unlike the others, these had claws, claws that were frantically trying to help the table “walk.” As Dad passed by, I looked between the massive flaps and saw…

Fat Cat. Neatly folded into the legworks. And looking seriously miffed.

Being the deeply compassionate child I was, I instantly sprang into action, i.e. I fell on the floor laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Dad asked.

I pointed between the flaps: “He…the cat…he…hah-hah-hah-hah!”

Dad couldn’t understand me, so looked for himself. A moment later he landed on top of me, guffawing like a madman.

Mom came rushing in. “What’s going on?” Dad pointed: “He…the ca…he…hah-hah-hah-hah!”

She looked between the flaps at the irate cat slowly working his way through the legworks.

Whump! She landed on top of both of us, chortling uncontrollably.

It was the hardest my family ever laughed (our stomachs still hurt the next morning).

bsh_head_smFat Cat was not amused.

He did, however, graciously forgive us…

The next time Mom cooked chicken.

     This story’s spiritual significance (really) is revealed in Part Two.

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Culture, For Pastors and Teachers, Humor, Memoir, Story Power and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

35 Responses to Fat Cat

  1. Most of my cats just showed up too, but only one has been interested in people food – most just look at our plates and say with disgust, “You eat that?”

    Liked by 3 people

  2. smzang says:

    Great Big Grin!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Anita Bacha says:

    I love this story Mitch. You are so good at describing all the minor details. I bought myself a little kitten when I started my law studies in London. I was all alone in my Fulham two rooms flat. Bijou , that was his name,grew up, spoilt and very naughty. He never touched any food except his own cat food, whiskers. One day, he left me for an unknown destination. It was on the eve of my final bar exams. I was shattered. To console me. my friends said, tomcats are disloyal.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Re-Farmer says:

    Ahahahahaha!! I can just picture it!

    Except the table. I need a picture of that table! 😀

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Erika Kind says:

    Mitch, you had me laughing the whole post through 😂

    Liked by 3 people

  6. cricketmuse says:

    Feline fat shaming could get you in trouble…

    Liked by 2 people

  7. joyroses13 says:

    Oh gosh, I have tears from laughter in my eyes just picturing it through your very good description, can’t wait for tomorrow’s post. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Love the story, Mitch. Years ago Rocky, now in kitty heaven, learned to sit on a chair at the dining table and patiently wait for a morsel or two. Brother-in-law Fred hated cats. At a Christmas dinner the family was seated around the table and we sat Rocky next to Fred at the table. Two very ‘unhappy’ fat cats at the table. All but Fred thought it was cute.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Your post makes me grateful my cat, Salem, isn’t too picky. True, he prefers expensive salmon, but his preference hasn’t changed once, and he still has plenty of love to give 🙂 Blessings to Fat Cat

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Angela Jelf says:

    Brilliant, made my day!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. M.B. Henry says:

    Hahaha cats! 🙂 They sure give us lots of laughs

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Love this! Much needed laugh. Thank you

    Liked by 2 people

  13. IanC555 says:

    That is a GREAT story. My previous screen name was “Trickykitty555” and was inspired by our cat; how very tricky he can be…just like Fat Cat.

    Great great story, Mitch. Love it. Can’t wait for the revelation!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. atimetoshare.me says:

    I love your stories😀

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hilarious, loved it!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. That was certainly good for a giggle! 😍😍😍😍

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Pingback: Toby the Turtle | Mitch Teemley

  18. I am not really a Cat Person, however, I do like people who own and love cats. My best relationship with cats was with Ringling Bros. Baram and Bailey Circus and the Tiger of Gunther Gabe Williams. I loved the eyes knowing that I was more of a meal than a friend. The BIG cats are really much different than a cute little Tabby. Great post, Mitch and you seem to present the best,

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Preciousone says:

    So descriptive and so funny…thank you, Mitch 👏🏽

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Ann Coleman says:

    I love this story! And I think, after getting stuck in the table, the fat cat did deserve a piece of chicken.

    Liked by 1 person

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