I’m Growing a Beard!

I decided that, in order to look like a proper manly writer (or a very avant garde female writer), I needed a beard. So three weeks ago I stopped shaving.

Pros so far: I’ve stopped shaving. charles-dickens-102_209447k

Cons so far: It itches like the Dickens. I mean, seriously, have you seen Charles Dickens’s beard?

Also, it has the consistency of chicken wire. Which makes my wife cry fowl, because, while she likes the look of it, she hates the way it feels when we (adult content alert) kiss. So…

I googled “beard softener,” thinking softer might also mean less itchy. To my surprise there were all kinds of beard conditioners on the market! I sifted through the weird stuff, like bear grease (seriously), because, I mean I really do want my wife to (adult content alert) kiss me again. I finally settled on a beard kit made in China.

So far, the beard conditioning oil doesn’t seem to do much, and the too-thick-to-apply beard balm’s “directions” simply tell me that “it’s great.” The directions for the DNh76dcVQAA5TYqremainder of the kit are charmingly oriental and pretty much indecipherable. Which is a problem because the remainder of the kit consists of two mysteriously complicated devices that, I suspect, require steam power. I mean, Jules Verne clearly would have known just what to do with them. Have you seen him? Now that’s a manly writer beard!

I’ll bet his wife (adult content alert) kissed him a lot!

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Culture, Humor, Memoir and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

62 Responses to I’m Growing a Beard!

  1. Mitch, don’t cave in to the itch. Remember that you want to look like a caveman (or manly writer). Hemingway had a beard. Have you ever seen Jesus without a beard? And we all know that God has a full length growth of glowing white hair on his face. So, man up and fly right. 😁

    Liked by 7 people

  2. mwilhelmblog says:

    Pictures, I want to see pictures.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. My beard is very sparse. I’ve tried to grow a beard but it just looks like my face is moldy.

    Liked by 8 people

  4. Angela Jelf says:

    Hilarious! My husband has a manly beard. I love it! I’ve got so used to it now that I don’t much like (adult content alert) kissing him without it! 🤣

    Liked by 8 people

  5. Looking forward to seeing your ‘face furniture’ in all its glory 😂

    Liked by 7 people

  6. Gary Bonnell says:

    Mitch, I read all of your posts and thoroughly enjoy them. On this topic I’ll share my experience.
    In my twenties my barber asked what kind of conditioner I used on my beard. This struck me as odd since, as far as I was concerned, I was merely washing my face. From then on I’ve shampooed my entire head ( regardless of my lack of hair on top) and conditioned all hair on my head. I can tell the difference on my hair and beard, so hopefully it will help you too.
    On other products, my wife gave me some ‘beard oil’. I don’t care for the way it felt, plus it made me itch. Concerning your new growth itching, new growth will normally itch for a while. Hopefully, it stops itching. Otherwise, you can always shave.

    Liked by 4 people

    • mitchteemley says:

      Hmm, the info online says not to use hair conditioner, that only beard oily conditions a beard properly–but then I think that info is posted by makers of beard oils. And, yes, the beard oil does seem to make the itching worse. Thanks, Gary!


  7. My husband grew his out last fall and winter. BEAUTIFUL.

    Let’s just say it sparked a revival.

    Liked by 6 people

  8. journymnco says:

    My new book will be available July 4th 2019! It’s my first published work to date. Please subscribe… Thanks

    Liked by 4 people

  9. I grew out a beard a couple of years ago. Turns out my beard is all grey, so I shaved it off.

    Liked by 4 people

  10. Nancy Ruegg says:

    “The slogan, ‘Press On!’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race,” said Calvin Coolidge. I guess that goes for the problem of growing beards too. So grow on, Mitch, and condition on, trim on, comb on, clean on, etc. (Or forego the beard problems of Dickens and Verne and shave OFF. Model yourself after C. S. Lewis who did not sport facial hair!)

    Liked by 4 people

  11. jwfisch says:

    If you can stand it, give it 2 or 3 more weeks and you’ll get past the itchy part. It also will soften as it gets longer.

    Liked by 6 people

  12. Jashan Kaur says:

    Would love to have the picture of this freshy fresh look

    Liked by 5 people

  13. profsloan says:

    He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man.
    William Shakespeare – Much ado about nothing

    Liked by 6 people

  14. smzang says:

    As soon as I read the title I thought to myself, I wonder what Mrs. Mitch thinks of that.
    I am happy to see that you addressed the issue. I am a firm believer that every individual
    should choose his/her own style, but for the life of me I can’t understand why you would mar
    that Michelangelo countenance with an overgrowth of hair. However, I defer to Mrs. Mitch.
    She has a license that validates her opinion. Just keep sharing your wit and wisdom and we, your loyal fans, will have no complaints. As for that kit from China…hmmmmmm….just make sure it doesn’t have Round-Up in it!

    Liked by 5 people

  15. smzang says:

    sorry about yhe crazy spacing…no idea why it did that

    Liked by 3 people

  16. The Hinoeuma says:

    My dad never grew a beard but, attempted a mustache, once, for about six months when I was a kid. He hated it. He complained that, not only did the hair follicles erupt with pimples underneath the hair (and itch) but, when it was wet after a shower, he said it dried…one hair at at time. Boing. Boing. Boing.

    Liked by 5 people

  17. TEP336 says:

    Thanks to the miracle that is genetics, I am only capable of growing an A-patchy beard…a patchy over here, a patchy over there…yeah…thanks DNA. 😂😂😂

    Liked by 6 people

  18. TEP336 says:

    Oh, and you might check some of the domestic brands. I’m sure someone produces something you can use, with instructions that don’t require Google translate.

    Liked by 4 people

  19. Sometimes an artist has to suffer for a greatest deed…

    Liked by 3 people

  20. This post will have “play” for a very long time. The Human Condition will plague us to the end. Beard On my friend and learn the advantages of . . . . . . . . . . . (Adult Content).

    Liked by 2 people

  21. I have heard great things about the Art of Shaving kits. I know they smell amazing. From what I understand it will take a while for your beard to soften, unfortunately. It is a commitment. Best of luck with getting your wife on board! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  22. Erika Kind says:

    Haha, sounds like a beard for men is like high heels for women. It looks good but … lol!

    Liked by 2 people

  23. Will you post a picture of you with beard? 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  24. librepaley says:

    Great beard on Dickens. Think other great ‘literary ‘ beards were Dostoyevsky and Whitman.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. frenchc1955 says:

    As a wearer of a beard for over 3 decades, I highly recommend it!

    Liked by 2 people

  26. My own beard is scraggly looking but soft, with no special treatment.  I inherited my father’s ability to grow stubble like cactus spines a few hours after shaving, so growing a beard was the only way I could kiss my wife w/o having to shave first.  Be patient.

    Liked by 2 people

  27. Nice little pun run you’ve got there, Mitch.

    Liked by 2 people

  28. Here’s my beard
    Ain’t it weird?
    Don’t be sceered
    ‘s just a beard

    – George Carlin

    Liked by 4 people

  29. tabswindow says:

    My husband grew a beard. I love it; however, we argue over length. The longer it is the softer it is. When he keeps it at a 2 clipper we will say it’s softer than the close shaved beard. I prefer it a little longer than the 2 because it’s even softer. Maybe you will have luck with it softening when it gets a little longer.

    Liked by 2 people

  30. Can’t imagine my husband without a beard/mustache. Beards can be just as varied as hair, so you can have coarse and curly or fine and smooth. It can be thick or thin; match your hair or contrast with it; soft like Santa or wiry like steel wool. My brother and both my older boys have the Viking beards…red, curly and thick. My Senior VP had the well-groomed short beard when he was still in the office. He now looks like one of ZZ Topps guitar players. Grow it out, braid it, comb it, color it purple! You’ll be fine!

    Liked by 3 people

  31. gpavants says:

    Grow, baby, grow. That’s my summer project, too. Have fun.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. The key to a beard is knowing the right length of beard for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Mary Jane says:

    So funny!! 🙂 (FYI, I think it is in the Screwtape Letters that Lewis says something about beards being christian. Wait, here it is (Screwtape’s words): “The aim is to guide each sex away from those members of the other with whom spiritually helpful, happy, and fertile marriages are most likely. Thus we have now for many centuries triumphed over nature to the extent of making certain secondary characteristics of the male (such as the beard) disagreeable to nearly all the females – and there is more to that than you might suppose.”) Not really sure if I agree with Lewis on this one (or if my marriage will survive a forever bearded husband), but hey….. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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