I decided that, in order to look like a proper manly writer (or a very avant garde female writer), I needed a beard. So three weeks ago I stopped shaving.
Pros so far: I’ve stopped shaving.
Cons so far: It itches like the Dickens. I mean, seriously, have you seen Charles Dickens’s beard? ⇒ ⇒ ⇒
Also, it has the consistency of chicken wire. Which makes my wife cry fowl, because, while she likes the look of it, she hates the way it feels when we (adult content alert) kiss. So…
I googled “beard softener,” thinking softer might also mean less itchy. To my surprise there were all kinds of beard conditioners on the market! I sifted through the weird stuff, like bear grease (seriously), because, I mean I really do want my wife to (adult content alert) kiss me again. I finally settled on a beard kit made in China.
So far, the beard conditioning oil doesn’t seem to do much, and the too-thick-to-apply beard balm’s “directions” simply tell me that “it’s great.” The directions for the remainder of the kit are charmingly oriental and pretty much indecipherable. Which is a problem because the remainder of the kit consists of two mysteriously complicated devices that, I suspect, require steam power. I mean, Jules Verne clearly would have known just what to do with them. Have you seen him? Now that’s a manly writer beard!
I’ll bet his wife (adult content alert) kissed him a lot!