Names to Die For

I knew a guy named Tarzan when I was in high school. It wasn’t his nickname, it was his real name. To add insult to injury, he was the shortest guy around. He was also massively into weight lifting. And when people saw his muscles and learned his name they said, “Ahhh, of course.”

The founder of the Lear Jet company, Bill Lear, named his 4th child Shanda. Cute? Or abuse? You decide. Not to be outdone, several Lears over the years have named their daughters Crystal Shanda (Google it). Most parents are probably just cornballs, like the Tuckeys (of Kentucky) who proudly named their son Ken Tuckey. Or they’re simply clueless, like former Texas governor “Big Jim” Hogg, who named his beloved daughter Ima. (Contrary to legend, she did not have a sister named Ura.)

I asked my Facebook friends for some favorite real life names. Here’s what I got:

  • Paige Turner – Librarian
  • Justin Kase – College friend
  • Major Hazzard – High school ROTC leader
  • Dr. Hands – Obstetrician who delivered a friend’s baby
  • Dr. Looney – Psychiatrist in Texas (what is it about Texas?)
  • Molten Grassmuck – Name my wife found in a customer database
  • Mr. Crapanshitty – Elder at a friend’s church, whom the pastor just can’t bring himself to call on at prayer meetings

What real life Names to Die For have you encountered?

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Humor, Mitchellaneous and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

63 Responses to Names to Die For

  1. nscovell says:

    Jed I Knight is the best!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Maida Pew, went to my Mom’s church (not sure of the spelling)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jeff Rab says:

    Always hoped I’d have twin boys to name: Curt -n- Rod!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. bdeckard92 says:

    I had a buddy in the Army whose last name was Turdflinger… he claimed the D was silent, but let me tell you, it was very audible in the Army. He confronted me once and I informed him that I know his name is of German origin because mine also is, and that mine means “one who builds decks” actually more like a roofer I believe. So I told him to think back into history of how his ancestors proudly carried out the important task of clearing the cow pasture…

    I got three days extra duty for the resulting fist fight šŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I lost it at bud light. šŸ˜€

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Gery Lemon says:

    Why naming should be left to women.šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. profsloan says:

    Mitch, many years ago in university I had a student in one of my classes who was called King Kong. B

    Liked by 1 person

  9. woodtic says:

    The church goer introduced herself after the sermon: “I’m Gladys Over”- the response? “I’m Glad it’s over too!” Keep em comin!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. lexcience says:

    My father worked as a pediatrician for several years, and the nurses kept a clandestine list of all the worst (and best) names people chose for their children. There was a girl whose full name was Heaven Lee Angel, and a boy whose first name was Cowboy. There were also two poor children named Shithead (pronounced “Shih-theed”) and Asshole (pronounced “Ash-o-le”).

    Liked by 1 person

  11. ekurie says:

    That’s a riot. I probably did know some people with weird names (though NC has plenty of its own, like Fuquay Varina), but I can’t get over there really WAS an Ima Hogg! That was a favorite joke when I was a kid. Although my mom had a funny story about a lady she knew who was traveling to Iona Island and people thought she actually owned it…

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I know a guy named Robin Hood. He’s a short and stocky guy that could be one of Robin’s merrymen.
    He’ll of a guy

    Liked by 1 person

  13. My mother worked with a woman named Sue E. Pigg. My parents used to be farmers, so poor mom had a hard time saying her name without laughing.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. feistyfroggy says:

    Pastor Chapel – married the Mister and me.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. A med student I heard of was named Anna Stesia.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. I was once represented by an attorney named Bender, had dental work from a Dr. Hacker, one of my Drill Sergeants during Basic Training was named ‘Deatheridge’ (silent e), once encountered another DS named Slaughter, another named Hurt, trained with a Medic, Specialist Sargent, served with a Sgt. Majors, along with too many more to list. The Lord has seen fit to send a lot of comedy gold in my direction. šŸ˜Š

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I should not pick on anyone’s name. “Tonette” is next to impossible for people to remember, (and many people won’t try to pronounce); I answer to many versions and “Uh, UH”. (You should see what voice-to-text does to me).With the last name of “Joyce”, ( in America it is known as a woman’s first name), it was often turned around , even on important documents. We have a relative named Joyce Ann Joyce.
    To add insult to injury, I married into the name of “Skube”, to which nearly every time someone has to add, “Doo”, (and think they are so original).
    However, I have encountered twins who were Russel and Dustin, “Rusty and Dusty”.
    “Dr. Beavers”, who was a dentist.
    We have a family called “Sidebottom” here, (make up your mind!)
    Recently a former co-worker of my husband’s introduced herself to me:”I’m Wanda Couch”, (Is that WHO you are or WHERE you are?, I wanted to ask.)
    I could go on.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. mitchteemley says:

    Hey, at least your parents didn’t name you Ree Joyce.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Roos Ruse says:

    My high school principal was Warren Peace. We wised we were kidding about that.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Rich Sieman: high school classmate
    Penny Hassel: IRS agent
    Dr. Romance: sister’s gynecologist

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Jennie says:

    My dad told me that he went to school with a girl named Kishma Ash. I went to school with a girl named Candy Barr. My friend’s husband is Doug Trees, short for Douglas Fir Trees. His sister is Mary Christmas Trees. All true!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. My husband and I opted NOT to name our son, Peter… or Roger. Our last name? Abbott. Say Peter Abbott five times fast. Yeah, you got it. šŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  23. BelleUnruh says:

    I was in 8th grade with a boy named, Moses Roses.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Oh this is hilarious Mitch. Love it. My favourite is Jed I knight and Paige Turner. šŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  25. alsavignano says:

    Vera Tough was the actual name of a woman in our area.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Here my friend’s name was “”Flowers””.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. alexankarr1 says:

    Parents gotta stop doing this! Fun for everyone else, not for the kid! Barring the unintentional ones, then you have to worry about I.Q. levels being genetic.
    But there are too many Richard Heads around for every single one to have been christened in the absence of malice.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Hey Mitch, we know a Colon & Rectal doctor in Houston named Dr. Butts. He is a big game hunter and has pictures of animals rear ends in his waiting room.
    BTW: Ima Hogg was a well-known and highly respected philanthropist in Houston,. It was big news when she died.
    If you get stuck with a name like these, you might as well have fun with it šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Paula says:

    The fellow who played Bozo on our local ABC affiliate was Richard (went by Dick) Richards.
    An orthopedic surgeon here in my fair city is Dr. Sawchuck. When I first time I needed recommendations for an ortho doc, someone mentioned him and I said I would never let a guy with that name near my bones. Thanks for the laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  30. nancyehead says:

    The OB who delivered my second son was Dr. Grab. It’s true. God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Nancy Ruegg says:

    Wow! What a list!! I can add Candy Cane (a girl I knew in high school) and Harry Legg (a young man my husband worked with years ago). With a last name like Ruegg (pronounced “rug,”) you have to know we had to be careful choosing our babies’ names. No Dusty or Thoreau, for example.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. toutparmoi says:

    Oh, to live in the U.S! Here (in NZ) if you go to register a child with too absurd a name you won’t be allowed to. So lucky little Anal couldn’t be registered under that name, nor could little Messiah. Or even little Lucifer.

    There’s no quarrel with unusual or quirky names, provided they won’t make the child a laughing stock. Just ones that are potentially offensive, way to long, or indicative of a title or rank. So names like Prince, Princess, Duke, Major or Sergeant are also off-limits.

    But often I wonder if parents choosing a perfectly innocuous first name for their child repeat them several times over with the surname, just to get the whole effect.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Name from school Dawn Keyes

    Liked by 2 people

  34. I had a friend named Mary Christmas. She couldn’t wait to get married and change her names. Also knew a Snow White.

    Liked by 1 person

  35. revruss1220 says:

    I had a nurse friend who admitted a young girl to the ER one night. When the mother filled out the admission paperwork, she listed the girl’s name as, “L-A”. My friend asked the mother how to pronounce the girl’s name and she said, “LaDasha”.

    Liked by 1 person

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