February 2nd is Groundhog Day, a day which reminds the world that Americans are still at the pinnacle of absurdity: People in the town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania (from an old Native American word meaning “white men are schmucks”) wear top hats, speak an incomprehensible version of German, and watch a groundhog* named Phil “predict” the future. Groundhog Day is referred to by groundhogs as “Humans Are Idiots Day.”
February 2nd is also known as Fall Off the Wagon Day because, according to the Foursquare City Guide, it is the day of the year when the largest number of people both abandon their New Years Resolutions and eat the greatest amount of junk food. Groundhogs refer to it as “See, We Told You Humans Were Idiots Day.”
Finally, February 2nd is the day on which, 12 years ago, my family moved away from sunny Southern California. We were going to live in Paris, but then at the last minute said, “Wait! Let’s go someplace romantic!” So, of course, we ended up in Cincinnati, Ohio. And we actually like it. Groundhogs refer to this as…oh, wait, you already know.
You may have seen this before:
*Note: Young groundhogs are referred to as “chucklings,” no doubt because this is what they do when they observe humans.