Canceling My TV Service

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TSP (Television Service Provider): How may I help you?

Me: I’d like to cancel my TV service.

TSP: Are you breaking up with us?

Me: Excuse me?

TSP: May I ask why you’ve decided to discontinue your service?

Me: Well, I had an offer from a competitor that–

TSP: Whore!

Me: I beg your pardon?

TSP: We would like the opportunity to prove we are the superior provider, sir.

Me: But I’ve already–

TSP: We can do things that bitch would never dream of.

Me: I’m sorry?

TSP: If you re-subscribe today, we will promise to beat our competitor’s rates.

Me: Well, you see, they’ve already installed their system, so–

680-03180131erTSP: So you’ve been running around behind our back?

Me: What?

TSP: If you’d notified us in advance, sir, we would have done everything necessary to retain your loyalty.

Me: Yeah, well, sorry, but it’s kind of a done deal.

TSP: Do you know how lucky you are to have been with someone like us?

Me: Well, I didn’t think that–

TSP: We are the fastest growing service provider in your area.

Me: Well, maybe, but–

TSP: I hate you, you selfish son-of-a–

Me: Oh, yeah? Well I never loved you! I just told you I did so you’d put out a better signal, babe!  Truth is, I always thought you were kinda skanky!  And I was ashamed to be seen watching you!

TSP: Excuse me?

imagesMe: I’m sorry, but I’ve decided to go another way.

TSP: Thank you for calling today, sir.

Me: You’re welcome.

TSP: Rot in hell!

Me: I’m sorry?

Dial tone. 

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Humor, Memoir, Popular Culture & Entertainment and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

27 Responses to Canceling My TV Service

  1. Ha! Thanks for the chuckle!

    Not long ago my husband answered the phone asking for the lady of the house. All confused he said, “What lady? There aren’t any ladies in this house!” A-hem…. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. de castro says:

    Ha ha….aggressive marketing…..only doing her job ! BITCH 😈

    Liked by 1 person

  3. LOL ! Very funny ! you are so talented. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lucie says:

    OMG! In my posting on tomorrow (10/13), I have a reference to one “Delilah Dimwiddie” of our local cable company. I’m thinking maybe Ms. Dimwiddie and your lady should meet!!! They probably went to the same “customer service seminar”!!!! Too funny!!! LOL! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. LOL! Isn’t the digital age grand?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Tina says:

    Were you listening to my recent call to Sirius XM? LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. jacobemet says:

    Lol! I had flashbacks.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Jay says:

    Faithfully rendered, I take it. Sounds familiar.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Thanks for the laugh! We’ve been getting mail and emails from the ‘other’ internet company for years

    Liked by 1 person

  10. toutparmoi says:

    So true. It’s impossible to get away from any service provider nowadays. I recently changed power (electricity and gas) providers and got so many why-did-you-leave-us calls I finished up feeling like an adultress!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. de castro says:

    Best way to switch is when contract is up for renewal…..make sure new service provider will not only give you better deal it will take up any slack ! When my broadband service provider contract
    ended in July I not only got better deal from new provider I was assured that any cancellation/administration fees will be picked up by new provider.
    Next June July will switch again for better deal.
    Way forward.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Lol. That’s pretty much how it’s getting now.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. BunKaryudo says:

    A TSP scorned? Hell hath no fury, true enough.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. tczumwalt says:

    This is great, Mitch. And, yep, that’s how they try to make you feel when you cancel. We got the ol’ abandonment schtick a while back when we carted our cable boxes in and told them we were going antenna. “What? How dare you…yada yada yada…” 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. lynettedavis says:

    This made me laugh way too hard! Hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. JulianneLou says:

    Oh my! I am laughing hysterically! So many times this has happened. Maybe the reason why it takes an act of God to even get an actual person anymore? I’m convinced that companies hide their csr’s so d rep to avoid us cancelling the service.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. mitchteemley says:

    Reblogged this on Mitch Teemley and commented:

    It’s time to break up with our service provider again. So hard. Guess I’ll use my usual line, “It’s not you, it’s me…”

    Like

  18. Nancy J says:

    That was so freakin’ hysterical!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. But, it is so true. When I realized that I was watching only baseball and evening news, I kicked the habit also. Got Roku and we are in love. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  20. claire says:

    Lol! Well done very funny!
    You should try telling someone here in the UK you don’t watch TV so don’t need to buy a TV license. After they’d tried every, “OK, but surely you watch on computer, on I pad, on your mobile etc,” I ended up feeling like an alien – they just couldn’t believe someone actually hated TV. After two years they still ask every so often. lol!
    They’ll never get me, life is not a spectator sport!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I think that’s the same person we dealt with just this week!!! 😱

    Liked by 1 person

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