Cinci-Gnati

gnats1

A Gnat’s To-Do List

  1. Find face
  2. Fly into it
  3. Die

Cincinnati, Ohio, has a rich German past. So Octoberfest is a big deal here. Only it happens in September, while the weather is still warm.

And sticky.

And gnaty.

We sat under a big Octoberfest tent recently, slurping Märzen lager and noshing hot krouty mettwurst (well, OK, I, did–my wife nibbled chicken and sipped lemonade). Predictably, the flies fought with me over who could consume the most mustard.

But not the gnats.

They headed straight for our faces. Causing us (well, me) to slosh more beer and splatter more mustard than I actually got into my mouth.

So, what’s the deal with gnats?

Turns out they’re more properly called eye gnats, and they live not by beer alone, but by all the mucous that proceedeth from the mouth–and eyes and nose–of mortals.

The average human consumes three or four thousand gnats in a lifetime. Which is not only disgusting, but seriously unsanitary (gnats are covered in toxic bacteria), and a raw deal for all those hard-working gnat dads, too. I mean, they’re only trying to bring home the bacon (or, well, mucous) to their gnaty little families.  So, what’s the solution?gnats3

gnats2I Googled “gnat protection,” and here are a couple of the simple, stylish solutions that popped up. Hmm. On second thought,

Pass the gnats, please.

About mitchteemley

Writer, Filmmaker, Humorist, Thinker-about-stuffer
This entry was posted in Culture, Humor, Memoir and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Cinci-Gnati

  1. barbara runck says:

    HI MITCH:WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE ME NANCY RUEEG,S PHONE # OR E-MAIL ADDRESS?SORRY I MISSED OUR MEETING LAST NIGHT.I HAD MADE SOME NOTES FOR ON HER NEW BABY STORY.THANKS,BARBARA

    Date: Thu, 17 Sep 2015 17:00:28 +0000 To: brunck@live.com

    Like

  2. Erika Kind says:

    I think I will never even look at one gnat anymore…. urgh….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. tczumwalt says:

    I really like the cone-shaped protectors, Mitch. Nice and streamlined. The one on the right, though, might also work against cosmic rays. Add a colander on top and you’re all set.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. atimetoshare says:

    I especially like the cone faces. If it doesn’t repel them it will do a good job of skewering them.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yuck. Three to four thousand! ?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Cincinnati…hmm…now I understand.;0) Cincinnati is part of my husband’s history and I never could understand how his mom survived him either. There must be something in the water…or on the gnats…a brain infecting bacteria? lol Sorry, my husband is a comedian too and in fact, that’s what our last name means.:0) I’m always looking for some way to explain him…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Lol! I loathe gnats. And they seem to love Florida. Bleh!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Nancy Ruegg says:

    Even if you and your wife had either of those gnat protectors, you couldn’t eat your mettwurst/chicken or drink your lager/lemonade. Sorry your outing was spoiled. Now, about those cone-things: How’s a person supposed to breathe? And wouldn’t that long beak get in the way? No wonder Johnson & Johnson (makers of OFF) doesn’t sell them!!

    Liked by 1 person

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